Umm 'Abdullah on Step-Parenting

Umm 'Abdullah is a step-mother of one child, currently living in the USA. 

In the Sunnah we are taught that Jannah is at the feet of our mothers:

In an authentic hadith, a man came to the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I intend to go on a (military) expedition, but I have come to ask your advice." He said, "Is your mother alive?" He said, "Yes." He said, "Then stay with her, for the Garden is under her feet." (Ibn Majah and An-Nasa’i)

We are also taught that we should obey and respect our mothers and take care of them as they age. In the Noble Qur’an, Allah, subhana wa ta’ala, says:

“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in my childhood.” (17:23-24)

If you are a mother, then you know how much you would give up just to see your child grow to be happy and healthy and to be a loyal servant of Allah subhana wa ta’ala. If you are not a mother, you can surely think of something your mother did to help you, regardless of how close you are to her or the type of relationship you have with her. This mother-child relationship is clearly defined both in our own minds and in the beauty of the Qur’an.

However, what about step parents? How can one define this role? After much thought and internal struggle the only way I can define my personal role as a step parent is: CHALLENGING. Now this isn’t to say that being a biological parent is easy by any means, but the challenges are different. As a step parent the hardest thing to accept is that, no matter how much you love your spouse’s child, they aren’t your own and therefore the rules are different for you whether you like it or not. First let me take the most “ideal” situation for step parents: you’ve married your spouse who has an infant child from a previous marriage and his or her ex-spouse is 100% out of the picture and your spouse views you as his or her child’s mother. The child grows up viewing you as his or her rightful mother with all powers and responsibilities bestowed upon you as a mother and everyone lives happily ever after.

This situation almost never happens. Here’s what really happens: you fall in love with your spouse for the sake of Allah subhanna wa ta’ala, you convince yourself that it can’t be that hard to take care of his or her child since at some point in life you want children of your own (and you’ve taken care of your brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins etc.) so how hard can it be? Oh and that ex-spouse? Well he or she will move on and we’ll all be friends and everything will be wonderful. Then, you and your spouse get married and you’ve spent lots of time with the child or children and insha’Allah they have accepted you into their family either because they are too young to understand what’s happening or you’ve spent painstaking hours explaining to them that you could never replace their mother/father, even though very deep down within yourself, that’s exactly what you want to do but you refuse to admit that to yourself. Typically, at least within the western world, the child lives primarily with one parent while the other has visitation every other week or so. That means, that as a step parent, one week it’s just you and your spouse living as a couple, and then the next week you’re a mother or father….kind of. And then the next week you’re not. And so on for the next 18 years of your life.

Now while mothers have that 1 relationship with their child, a step mother or step father has 3 relationships to worry about: their relationship with the child, their relationship with their spouse regarding the child, and their relationship with their spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife. I’ll start with the relationship with the child, which for me was the easiest. My husband’s child was only 1 year old when we got married (he’s almost 3 now alhamdulilah). This relationship was the easiest because I learned to love him quite quickly and he was too young to really understand why suddenly he has “2 mommies.” The key word here is I “LEARNED” to love him. As much as I wish I could say “and then I looked in his eyes and that unconditional love took over me,” I can’t. I did not create this baby with my husband, I did not carry him for 9 months, I did not give birth to him, and I had not been around to see his first year of life. Furthermore, as much as I hated myself for thinking it, I really did not like having him around at first because he was a constant reminder that my husband had wanted to have him with someone else. These feelings continued for quite some time until the child began calling for me. Suddenly I was the only one who could put him to bed, make his food, or give him a bath. He didn’t want his daddy to do it, he wanted me….his step-mother to do it. That’s when I fell in love. When he needed me like a mother, I felt like a mother and suddenly things weren’t as difficult. I knew my role with him and I could define it to myself and I stopped introducing him to people as “my husbands son” and started introducing him as “my step-son.”

The second relationship you have as a step-parent is the one you have with your spouse regarding the child. This is very different that the relationship you have with your spouse as a husband or a wife. The hardest aspect of this relationship is trying to figure out how your spouse wants you to act toward their child. Alhamdulilah my husband was more than willing to step aside and let me handle bed time, meal time, and bath time and let me take the child out by myself or stay alone in the house with him. In time he even let me discipline his son when he was having a tantrum, as most 2 year olds do. However, this is not the case for many step-mommies or step-daddies. A type of power struggle typically evolves as a result of this complicated relationship. Some parents don’t want their spouse to discipline their child or take over certain roles because they feel they are being pushed out. A normal human response to losing control is to fight back and try to take control of everything. It is not unusual for spouses to fight over their roles in the child’s life and for the biological mother or father to tell the step-parent that it’s “not their job to do that” when it comes to a responsibility they feel is rightfully theirs as the biological parent. In this situation typically the step-parent will withdraw completely and want nothing to do with the child because they don’t want to upset their spouse. In addition, its mentally exhausting and emotionally draining to check yourself at every step and have to wonder “is this my responsibility or my husband’s/wife’s?” There is no outlined way in any psychology book or therapy manual to tell you how to resolve this issue. It normally takes an inordinate amount of patience from both sides and strong communication skills in order to overcome this challenge.

The third and final relationship you have as a step-parent is your relationship with your spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife. This can either be the most frustrating, enraging, and down-right painful relationship you’ll ever have, or it’ll be the easiest. If, on the rare occasion, the divorce was amicable and both parties accepted that the relationship between them did not work and have both moved on and accepted that each will most likely remarry and their child will have two mothers and two fathers, then this relationship for the step-parents is relatively simple. However, more likely than not, the divorce was not pleasant for either party and some hostile feelings remain. Since both parties are normally told by family and friends to ignore each other and just move on with their lives, those hostile feelings need to come down on someone. So why not the person that your ex-spouse marries and is trying to “move in on your child?” It’s easy to understand the logic behind it: they’re resentful of the fact that they will always be tied to the one person they don’t want to remember, they’re angry that their ex has moved on which makes them feel replaced, they don’t have the typical nuclear family and often get uncomfortable or even rude comments from others in the community, and their child is calling someone else mama or dada. I can’t say that I would feel or act any differently if the roles were reversed.

However, that justification gives little solace to step-parents. Typically in our lives if there is someone we don’t particularly care for, we can keep them at a distance and limit communication with them. This doesn’t work in this scenario. The person that is taking their frustrations out on you is the mother or father of your step-child for whom you care very deeply. In turn, you have to accept that the child loves this individual and you cannot let your own personal feelings for their mom or dad show in front of them.  Furthermore, this ex-spouse is a constant, never-ending reminder that the man or woman you married and love did not choose you first. You are second. You might be the “right one” but you will never be the “first one.” You’ll never be his or her first spouse or first mother or father of their child. Never. And their ex-spouse will always be there, either through that 6am angry text message or at pick-ups and drop-offs or when your spouse has to make that direct deposit into their ex’s bank account for child support. They will never go away and you just have to accept it.

Besides these 3 relationships you’ll have as a step-parent, there’s a whole host of other challenges. What do your parents say about you marrying someone who already has children? What does the community think? How do you comfort your spouse when they have to drop-off their child every other week to their ex-wife or ex-husband and they don’t realize that it hurts you just as much? What do you say when someone asks you if you have children? What do you do when you disagree with something that the child’s parents have decided to do? How do you reconcile having absolutely no legal authority over a child that you consider to be your own? How do you define being a step-parent?

I personally grew closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala during my journey so far as a step-parent. When things got difficult I often felt like no one really understood what I was going through. My husband had his own view of things and his own challenges with the situation. My parents were hesitant from the beginning as to whether I would be able to handle it and so I didn’t feel like I could turn to them for support. My friends alhamdulilah were very caring and always willing to provide a shoulder to cry on but I still felt very alone through all of this. That’s when I decided I really needed to turn all of my attention towards Allah subhana wa ta’ala knowing that He would hear me.

On several occasions I broke down in tears during salah and it was difficult to even know what I was praying for. Do I pray that my step-son considers me a mother? Then what about his biological mother? He already had a mom. Do I pray that my husband loves the children he will have with me as much as his son from another woman? I felt a lot of guilt about praying for things I thought weren’t “fair” or “justified.” Sometimes I would even miss salah because I felt like everything I was praying for was selfish and I somehow didn’t deserve to reach out to Allah subhana wa ta’ala.

Over time though, I began just praying that something changed; I was praying to feel better about the situation. I became closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala and I felt myself becoming stronger in my deen because on the hardest of days, prayer was all I had. Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made things a little easier for me each day and I thank Him for the small blessings as well as the big ones. With Allah’s swt help I have learned to be patient and thankful that I can just spend time with my step-son and I am in this position in my life because Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made it so, and therefore there is a reason for it. This has brought solace and comfort to me and has ultimately strengthened my attachment to Allah and all I do now is pray that He continue to guide me through whatever happens.

The hardest part for me about being a step-parent is that no matter how much I love my step-son, no matter how supportive my husband is, and no matter how well I control my feelings towards his ex-wife, I will always have to put “step” before “parent” and that will never get any easier. I make dua for all the step-parents out there that Allah subhana wa ta’ala (spelling?) makes it easier for you and that you achieve Jannah for everything you go through and everything you sacrifice as a step-parent. May Allah subhana wa ta’ala bless all the step-moms and step-dads out there who work twice as hard for half the credit. Take solace in pleasing Allah subhana wa ta’ala and turn to Him when it get’s too hard.

“If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.” (Quran, 3:160)

5 Tips to Avoid Overspending in Ramadan

Umm Suzana is a Columbian mother of three currently living in New Jersey, USA. She is passionate about natural remedies and ways to save on family spending.

During the blessed month of Ramadan, our usual attention to daily house and family routines get turned towards making the most of our worship, as they should. But whether it’s a start of the month iftar stock-up or a last minute run to the store before suhoor, someone will eventually have to get some groceries. And in case that person is you, here are five tips to help keep your spending in line:

Tip #1: Never Shop When You’re Feeling Hungry

Shopping while hungry increases the chances that you will buy on impulse. Your tummy is growling, your throat is parched, and your brain is thinking: “food, drink, now!” With all of this going on, you will be much more likely to give in to purchasing food items that you don’t really need, blasting your budget right out of the water.

It’s best to eat before you shop. That way the only thing your brain has to focus on is sticking to the list. If you’re fasting, trying doing your grocery shopping early, right after your morning suhoor. Or try it in the evening after you’ve finished your iftar.  

If you have to shop with children in tow, make sure that they have been fed beforehand too!

Tip #2: Make a List

Everyone’s list will be different depending on how and when a person prefers to shop. But in general, make sure your list includes the day-to-day particulars as well as the bulk items that you know you will need throughout the month. Items like plates, napkins, dates and water can be bought early on and in bulk to help save time and money!

To save cooking time for last minute iftars or unexpected guests, stock up on veggies and herbs early on too. Once purchased, they can be chopped and frozen into small, easy-to-cook portions that you can use throughout the month.  

When you get to the store, strive to not buy anything that’s not already on your list. Buying off the list is a quick and almost sure way to overspend and come home with unnecessary items. Think of this way: If it wasn’t on the list in the first place, you more than likely don’t need it!

If you have trouble making a list on the spot, try keeping a piece of paper or a white board on the fridge where you can jot down the items you run out of, especially the items you want to stock up on before Ramadan begins. This not only helps save time in making your grocery list but also helps keep you from forgetting important items for your home.  

Tip #3 Set Your Budget

Setting a budget beforehand helps keep you in line when your impulses lean towards unnecessary purchases.

Before Ramadan begins, try to make a bi-weekly budget so you don’t have to spend time shopping every week or even every day. Our goal this month should be to spend as much of our time as possible in worship, not waiting in lines at the grocery store. Make sure to include enough money in your budget to cover any possible tax costs.

Once you have your list set, check the grocery store circulars and newspapers for current deals and coupons. Every state differs but in New Jersey, the circulars are usually released on Fridays and the store coupons on Sundays.

Mark down the sale items that match the items on your list so you know to go straight for the deals when you get to the store. If you find coupons matching your list items, clip them and use them at the register to save even more, inshaAllah!

For even more savings, check with your local stores for a free customer rewards card that you can swipe to get gifts cards, cash back, or extra discounts on the items you need.

Tip# 4: Pay Attention to the Shelves!

Oftentimes, stores place their most expensive items at eyelevel, within easy reach, while the clearance items are placed towards the bottom or back of the shelves. So if you want to save, be prepared to bend down and dig a little to find the deals.

Tip #5: Make Duaa

As with everything else we do in the deen, we should always ask Allah to accept our efforts and bless them for us.

The Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said that the dua of the fasting person will not be rejected!

The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “Three supplications will not be rejected (by Allah, subahana wa ta ala) the supplication of the parent for his child, the supplication of the one who is fasting, and the supplication of the traveler. (al-Bayhaqi, at-Tirmidhi – Sahih)

MashaAllah, what a wonderful blessing! So definitely take time in Ramadan to make lots and lots of dua, even when it comes to the shopping.  

If you struggle to sticking to a budget, ask Allah to make it easy for you. Ask Him to make it easy for you to get in and out with everything you need. If you know your particular grocer isn’t coupon friendly, make duaa that Allah gives you safe travels to and from the store and gives you the patience to deal with whatever obstacles the day may bring. 

Daily Deeds: Cleansing Power of Wudu

This post was excerpted from Healing Body and Soul by Amira Ayad

Allah, subahana wa ta ala, says in the Qur'an: "O you who believe! When you intend to offer the prayer, wash your face and your hands (forearms) up to the elbows, rub (by passing wet hands over) your heads, and wash your feet up to the ankles..." --Surah Al-Maidah, 5: 6

"Ablution is not a mere physical act; it is a sign of the purification of the soul, driving away evil thoughts, clearing the mind and preparing one to concentrate only on the glorification and worship of Allah. Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, taught us that ablution washes away sins, purifying and cleansing the soul."

In a Sahih hadith narrated in Muslim and Tirmidhi, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said: "If the Muslim performs ablution and washes his face, any offense he overlooked with his eyes will come out with the water; and when he washes his hands, any assault he commited with his hands will come out with the water; and when he washes his feet any misdeed to which he walked with his feet will come out with the water, till he concludes (the ablution) free from sins." 

Exceptional Umms: Asma' Bint Abu Bakr

This post was compiled from multiple hadith found in Sahih Bukhari and the book Great Women of Islam, written by Mahmood Ahmad Ghadanfar.

Qualities That Made Her Great

Courage, Piety, Patience, Sacrifice

Her Family

She was the sister of ‘Aishah bint Abu Bakr, the wife of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Her father Abu Bakr, her husband Az-Zubayr, and her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr were all famous companions of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. After her parents accepted Islam, Asma’ and her siblings were raised in an atmosphere of Islamic faith and practice.

The Woman of Two Waist Belts

When the time came for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to migrate from Mecca to Medina, a plan was devised for him to migrate in secret with his great and loyal companion Abu Bakr as-Siddique. Though she was just a young girl at the time, it was the courageous Asma’ who gathered food and water for the great journey her father and The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, were about to make. 

In Sahih Bukhari, Asma’ related: “I prepared the journey food for the Prophet and Abu Bakr when they wanted to migrate to Medina. I said to my father (Abu Bakr), "I do not have anything to tie the container of the journey food with except my waist belt." He said, "Divide it lengthwise into two." I did so, and for this reason I was named 'Dhat-un-Nitaqain' (i.e. the owner of two belts)”

In another narration, Aisha said about this time: “…One day, while we were sitting in Abu Bakr's house, someone said to Abu Bakr, "This is Allah's Apostle with his head covered coming at a time at which he never used to visit us before." Abu Bakr said, "May my parents be sacrificed for him. By Allah, he has not come at this hour except for a great necessity." So Allah's Apostle came and asked permission to enter, and he was allowed to enter. When he entered, he said to Abu Bakr. "Tell everyone who is present with you to go away." Abu Bakr replied, "There are none but your family. May my father be sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said, "I have been given permission to migrate." Abu Bakr said, "Shall I accompany you? May my father be sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" Allah's Apostle said, "Yes." Abu Bakr said, "O Allah's Apostle! May my father be sacrificed for you, take one of these two she-camels of mine." Allah's Apostle replied, "I will accept it with payment." So we prepared the baggage quickly and put some journey food in a leather bag for them. Asma’, Abu Bakr's daughter, cut a piece from her waist belt and tied the mouth of the leather bag with it, and for that reason she was named Dhat-un-Nitaqain (i.e. the owner of two belts)…”

Her Patience in Poverty

It’s related in the Sahih of Bukhari that when Asma’ was married to Zubayr bin ‘Awam, he was a very pious but poor man.

Asma’ narrated: “When Az-Zubayr married me, he had neither land, nor wealth, nor slave, nor anything else like it, except a camel to get water and his horse. I used to graze his horse, provide fodder for it, look after it and ground dates for his camel. Besides this, I grazed the camel, made arrangements for providing it with water and patching up his leather bucket and kneading the flour. I was not very good at baking the bread, so my female neighbors used to bake bread for me and they were sincere women. And I used to carry on my head, the date-stones from the land of az-Zubayr which the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam had endowed him and it was a distance of two miles from Madinah.

One day, as I was carrying the date-stones upon my head, I happened to meet Allah's Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, along with a group of his Companions. He called me and told the camel to sit down so that he could make me ride behind him. I felt shy to go with men and I remembered Az-Zubayr and his ghirah (ghirah is the sense of pride that a man has which causes him to dislike his wives, daughters or sisters from being seen or heard by strangers - it is this ghirah which makes a man protective about his women) and he was a man having the most ghirah. The Messenger sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam understood my shyness and left.

I came to Az-Zubayr and said, 'The Messenger of Allah met me as I was carrying date-stones upon my head and there was with him a group of his Companions. He told the camel to kneel so that I could mount it but I felt shy from him and I remembered your ghirah.' Upon this Az-Zubayr said, 'By Allah, the thought of you carrying date-stones upon your head is more severe a burden to me than you riding with him.'

I led this life of hardship until Abu Bakr sent me a female servant who took upon herself the responsibility of looking after the horse and I felt as if she had emancipated me."

Her Generosity

Asma’ bint Abi Bakr was a woman known to give a lot in charity mashaAllah, even if she had nothing left to keep for herself.

Asma’ narrated: “Once I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have no property except what has been given to me by Az-Zubayr (i.e. her husband). May I give it in charity?" The Prophet said, "Give in charity and do not withhold it; otherwise Allah will withhold it back from you." –Sahih Bukhari

The Birth of Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr

Asma’ and her husband conceived in Mecca and when it came time for them to migrate across the desert to Medina, Asma’s pregnancy was already full term. It was during her travels that she went into labor as they reached the valley of Quba and it was there that she gave birth to her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr, the first Muslim child to be born amongst the muhajireen, mashaAllah.

Asma’ relates her story in Sahih Bukhari: “I migrated to Medina while I was at full term of pregnancy and alighted at Quba where I gave birth to him. Then I brought him to the Prophet and put him in his lap. The Prophet asked for a date, chewed it, and put some of its juice in the child's mouth. So, the first thing that entered the child's stomach was the saliva of Allah's Apostle. Then the Prophet rubbed the child's palate with a date and invoked for Allah's Blessings on him, and he was the first child born amongst the Emigrants in the Islamic Land (i.e. Medina).”

The Great Advice to Her Son

Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr grew to become a great man and a noble companion, known for his fortitude and accomplishments on the battlefield. Towards the end of his life, the Muslims were split over who should take khalifa. Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr refused to accept the caliphate of Bani Umayyah and rose his own army in Mecca to fight against Hajjaj. But the army of Hajjaj surrounded Mecca, refused to allow food to enter, and laid siege to the city with catapults, greatly weakening and eventually defeating ibn Az-Zubayr’s army.

As Hajjaj’s forces entered into Mecca, they gave Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr three choices: (1) be taken into custody and delivered to the khalifa in Damascus; (2) leave Mecca and surrender all the lands that he had overcome such as Egypt, Iraq and Yemen; and (3) try to continue fighting.

At this critical time, Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr decided to seek advice from none other than his mother, Asma’ bint Abu Bakr, who at this time was over 100 years old mashaAllah.

Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr said to his mother: “So the people have left me by myself, even my own son. No one is with me except a handful of people, all I have is an hour of patience and then death and if I were to do what the people want me to do then I will be free.”

And Asma’ replied to her son: “You know better in your own self that if you are upon the truth and you are calling towards the truth, then go forth for people more honorable than you were killed and have been killed. And if you are not upon the truth, then what an evil son you are, you have destroyed yourself and those who are with you. If you say what you say, that you are upon the truth and you will be killed at the hands of others then you will not truly be free, for this is not the statement of someone who is free. How long will you live in this world? Death is more beloved to me than this state you are in, this state of weakness.”

Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr replied to his mother’s honest words: “I am afraid I will be mutilated by the people of Sham, I am afraid they will cut up my body after they have killed me.” And Asma’ replied: “After someone has died, it won’t make any difference what they do to you if you have been killed.”

Ibn Az-Zubayr continued: “I did not come to you except to increase myself in knowledge. Look and pay attention to this day for verily I am a dead man, your son never drank wine, nor was he a fornicator, nor did he wrong any Muslim or Kaafir, nor was he unjust, I am not saying this to you to show off or show how pure I am but rather as an honor to you.”

After their final conversation, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr rode out and was killed by the army of Hajjaj.

Courage in the Face of Injustice

After her son was killed, Al-Hajjaj refused him a proper burial and left his body for public display instead. He refused anyone permission to remove the body and informed Asma’ that if she wanted to have the body taken down, she would have to come in person and request his permission first. Asma’ refused to succumb to such a request.

After some time passed and Asma’ would not come, Hajjaj went to visit her himself and asked: “What do you say about this matter?” 

Asma’ replied: “Verily you have destroyed him, you have ruined his life and with that you have ruined your hereafter.”

After a few days, Hajjaj took down the body of her son and Asma’ retrieved it, washed it, and gathered the people to perform the congregational prayer at his burial.

Her Death

When Asma’ bint Abu Bakr died, she was over 100 years old, and still had a full set of teeth, mashaAllah. May Allah reward her and have mercy on her. 

Beautiful Reminders: Keeping Bedroom Secrets

In an authentic hadith, the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: 

"Verily, among the worst people before Allah on the day of Qiyama is a man who approaches his wife sexually and she responds and the he spreads her secrets." --related by Muslim. 

In another strong hadith, Asma bint Yazid narrates that she was once in the presence of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, with both men and women the sitting and the Prophet said: 

"Perhaps a man might discuss what he does with his wife, or perhaps a woman might inform someone what she did with her husband?" The people were silent. Then Asma said: "O, Yes! O Messenger of Allah, verily both the women and men do that." Then the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: "Do not do that. It is like a male Shaitaan who meets a female Shaitaan along the way, and has sex with her while the people look on!"--related by Ahmad

Beautiful Reminders: The Deeds That Last

It's related in the Sahih of Bukhari that the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said: 

"When a man dies, his deeds come to an end but three: a recurring charity, a beneficial knowledge, and a pious child who supplicates to Allah for him." 

Beautiful Reminders: Five Before Five

In a sahih hadith recorded by Al-Hakim, the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said: 

“Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your leisure before your work, and your life before your death.”

Beautiful Reminders: The Best of You

In a Sahih Hadith related by Tirmidhi, The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said: 

"The best of you are those who are best to their families. And I am the best of you to my family." 

Muslimah Musings: Remembering Our Other Children

Umm 'Eesa is a Muslim mother of two, plus one bump, currently living in the USA. She loves poetry.

Having children comes with its fair share of mess… Spit up, spills, stained clothes, food in hair, crushed Cheerios, scribbles on walls… the list is endless. Now, I deal fairly well with poop, diapers, snotty noses, curious yellow puddles in the potty training phase but my parenting peeve and mess-nemesis is vomit. It looks, smells and just is, gross. I always wonder why that mess can’t find a more conventional way to exit the body. The painful, unpredictable, expansive, explosive nature of it all is just too much for my sensibilities.

My husband had a bout of food poisoning a few months back and whilst as a grown man, he can take care of himself, I psyched myself up to do the wifely, nursely deed of cleaning up after him. I made a mental list of required apparatus: Rubber gloves, paper towels, Lysol wipes, bleach, hijab to serve as gas mask, air freshener. All this for a contained mess. Alhamdulillah, I was spared the ghastly task as my husband took care of everything himself, saying he wouldn't expect anyone else to deal with it. I considered that a huge mercy from Allah.

A few weeks ago, I was tested with the same predicament, except this time, my son was sick. My son who up until this point, hadn't vomited once since milk spit up as a baby, mashaAllah. He woke up feeling very thirsty and immediately after gulping down a cup of water, threw it straight back up. Twice?! I dealt with it with minimal effort. It was just water you see. He insisted he felt better and was hungry for breakfast and so that part of a mother t? and I met again, ten minutes later.

My dear boy had the foresight to jump off the couch, away from the rug and onto the wooden floor, where he then barfed to his stomach’s content. The mess spread far and wide in smelly, curdled, congealed puddles and splatters. I held my son, explained that I needed to grab things to tidy up and then quickly took care of business.

It wasn't exactly pleasant but in that moment, my parenting peeve vanished and all I could think of was my poor, pale faced, suddenly frail looking baby. All I wanted to do was alleviate his discomfort and lift his spirits.

He had managed to place himself smack bang in the middle of the aforementioned puddles so needed a thorough clean and change of clothes. He was too feverish for a bath so we soaped and toweled only what was necessary. I filled a tub with warm water and soap and had him stand in it so we could clean his feet. By this point, he was feeling a little more settled, cleaner and warmer and subsequently, I felt better. As I washed his feet, he asked me not to rub a small cut he had on his toe (it was hardly a cut even, more like an only-just visible line on his skin). I obliged and carefully avoided this ‘injury,’ out of mercy and empathy for his situation. I watched little soap bubbles collect around his toes as he then requested that I don’t tickle his feet too much :)

In that same moment of relief and comfort, my heart plummeted. The realization of how incredibly easy it had been to take away my child’s unhappiness filled me with guilt. I cleaned a floor with disinfecting cleaning products, I washed my son’s feet in warm water that ran from a tap, I dressed him in clean clothes and offered him words of comfort without any other care in the world, as if this morning of sickness were the only time of worry we had ever had to deal with.

I thought of the mothers of this ummah who are faced with far, far worse situations and can do little for their children. Those faced with poverty, war, oppression, illness. Not too long before this day, I had watched a video interview with some children in Syria. There was one boy who looked straight into the camera, eyes filled with tears, hands raised, asking ‘Why?! Why is he doing this to us?!’ And then he ran out of the room, unable to face the camera anymore. Another child was asked what food he missed and he replied, cucumbers. Not candy, not cake, not anything exotic. Just cucumbers. And earlier that week, I had thrown out a cucumber that had gone bad in my fridge, aothoobillah. My heart genuinely feels sad whenever I think of that little child’s face and his hurt, suffering and longing for something I discarded without a second thought.

As I cuddled up with my son on his beanbag, with dry snacks and unlimited TV at his disposal, I made dua for his good health, as any mother would but I also found myself making equal, if not more dua for my other children. Our other children. The beloved children of this beloved ummah.

We know we’re all supposed to care and most of the population who were raised with some sense of morality, will care. We make dua for the ‘less fortunate,’ ‘the ummah,’ and ‘the oppressed,’ but what are those words without the same love and mercy we show to our blood relatives?

Our Rasool, saw, said ‘The similitude of believers in regard to mutual love, affection, fellow-feeling is that of one body; when any limb of it aches, the whole body aches because of sleeplessness and fever.’ [Sahih Muslim]

Its all too easy to find ourselves (albeit unwittingly) living in an ignorant bliss and allowing life’s little bumps and hurdles to consume our concerns. The truth is, the ummah the world over is facing bumps and hurdles every single day and that should concern us as much as our children do. Some people prefer not to watch the news because its too depressing or makes them feel sad for the rest of the day. I for one, need those images and horror stories because I’m all too aware how easily I can become distracted and numbed to reality. I need to feel depressed and sad for a day because I want to fulfill that hadith. I want my heart and mind to ache for my brothers and sisters so that I’m lead to try and do something about it.

That moment of caring for my sick boy will forever be tainted with the thoughts of all those children who’s tears need wiping, who’s cries need soothing and who’s hearts need healing. I for one, hope that my every dua is tainted with those thoughts.

Beautiful Reminders: Each of You is a Shepherd

In an authentic hadith narrated in Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said:  

"Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd of his people and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock; a servant is the shepherd of his master's wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock." 

Umm Anonymous on Living With Multiple Sclerosis, Part 3

Umm Anonymous is a Muslim mother of two. In 2012 she was diagnosed with Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis and is now in remission. To read the first part of this interview, click here. To read the second part of this interview, click here. 

At the end of the day, only Allah knows. But right now, with what you know about yourself and with what you know about MS, what does the rest of your life with this disease look like?

I don’t know. 

I don’t believe my last exacerbation left any permanent damage because my last EEG didn't show any. But I have relapsing-remitting Multiple Sclerosis so I’ll have an exacerbation and then go into remission and then have a relapse and then go into remission and have another relapse. 

And even between relapses there are other symptoms. For me, one of the symptoms is itchiness. If the shower is too warm, when I get out my whole body will itch like if I had been stung by a bee but since its under my skin I can’t scratch it or soothe it so I just have to let it run its course.  I have to shower in cold water now, I can’t wash the dishes with hot water because it will aggravate my hands.

I’m on medication, so now I take a daily injection. I have charts that show where not to inject my body because I already injected myself there last week. Every day I have to inject myself in a different part of the body because when the medication goes in, it burns. So if you keep injecting in the same place, the medication can burn the fat off of that area and you’ll have a big dent in your body. Sometimes I’ll mark Xs and circles all over my body so I’ll know where or where not to inject on a particular day. 

It’s a life of adjustment. And alhamdulilah the adjustments that I've had to make haven’t been huge. Some people have to put ramps in their house and make it wheelchair accessible. Fortunately I've not had to do that. Alhamdulilah now (in remission) I’m able to do everything that I used to do, I just can’t do as much of it. 

And I don’t know if the disease will become degenerative; that’s unpredictable. I feel fine today but I could have another exacerbation tomorrow. I don’t know when it will come, if it will come, if it does come how long it’s going to last, and if it lasts for a long period or a short period if it will leave permanent damage. You just don’t know. 

Is that something that you worry about?

No, because I have to enjoy the time that I have. 

If I were to worry about the possibility that I might have another really severely disabling experience, I wouldn't be able to enjoy my life. I wouldn't even be able to function nominally. So I don’t give it a whole lot of thought. I’m going back to school and I've made dua asking Allah to grant me health so that I can get through school. So I can’t say that I worry about it but I do make dua that Allah preserves my health and that Allah gives me the strength to deal with whatever it is that He’s going to give me. 

Has this experience changed your outlook on parenting?

One thing’s for sure: you can only do so much. 

Our culture in the United States, even the expectation amongst Muslims, is that in order to be a real woman you have to be nearly perfect. Perfect as a mother, as a wife, people expect such perfection in the fulfillment of our roles that unfortunately we fail to see the humanity in our relationships. So when we’re tired or when we have a headache or when we barely got any sleep or when we have cramps or when we have a toothache, we’re still hard on ourselves and we don’t allow ourselves to relax. We don’t allow ourselves to just say, “You know what? Don’t anybody talk to me right now because I’m not in a good mood. I'm in pain and I need a break.”

But to go back to your question, yes. Now that I have a chronic disease that poses a number of limitations, I have to recognize when I need to stop. So if I’m planning something or if someone asks to come over or asks me to do something for them, now I write everything down and look at my calendar and ask realistically if I’m going to have the energy to carry it out. If not, then my answer is going to be no. Or I’m going to have to postpone it or do some shifting.

Even when it comes to my kids, I have to know when its necessary to say no and they have to learn that there are boundaries and that mommy is not going to be able to do everything for you and nor should they expect that.

With MS, most patients look fine but the symptoms can be triggered by almost anything. For me, dehydration triggers symptoms, heat triggers symptoms, too much activity in one day or being in a room that’s really crowded and loud will just set my nerves off. I might feel faint, I might feel weak, or itchy or dizzy or that the room is spinning. There’s really no telling what I’m going to feel but I know what my triggers are so I try to avoid them as best I can.  

With my kids I have to communicate what I can and can’t do, and not just for them but for everybody.

How has this experience affected your outlook on life in general?

I think this experience really taught me the meaning of the term submission. 

The idea that you just have to allow yourself to deal with what it is that Allah has decreed for you. I can’t do a whole lot to change Allah’s decree but how I respond to what Allah has decreed is up to me. I can sit there and sob and be angry and be ungrateful and curse Allah or make statements like “I didn't deserve this” or even, aootho billah, charge Allah with being unfair. Or I can say okay this is what Allah gave me but He's also given me many other things that bring me joy, and many other things that bring me good opportunities to earn favor with Him. And this is possibly one of those opportunities.

One thing I spent a lot of time reflecting on, particularly when I was in the hospital, was that this could be an expiation for me, and I need that. This could be a way of raising me in rank, and I need that too. This could be a punishment, and that would be one less punishment that I have to deal with in the grave or on the day of judgment or at the end of my life. So no matter what this is, this is a positive thing.

And from that I came to the conclusion, not that it’s a unique conclusion I came up with like I’m Confucius or anything, but I realized that even in sickness there’s a blessing. Even in the loss of a job or the loss of a person that you love or a relationship or whatever, there’s a blessing in that. You have to be open-minded to it and pray for guidance. 

Through this whole experience, I pray for patience because, especially since having children, I realized that my patience level isn't where it ought to be. But more than anything, aside from praying for forgiveness, I pray for guidance so that I can recognize things as they are, not as I want them to be or as people are telling me that they are. I want to be able to recognize things as they are so that I know what I need to do and so I can do the right thing. 

I want this experience to be on my scale of good deeds. So that Allah can't say, “Well, when I tested you with health, you squandered it and when I tested you with sickness, you became kafr or you became arrogant or you became ungrateful.”

In a lot of ways, getting so severely sick as a wake-up call for me to recognize that I've been Muslim for so many years and there are so many things that I could have accomplished for my deen had I been focused. There was one period in my time of being Muslim where I really used my time efficiently and then there were other periods where time would fly by without me really growing as a Muslim. And anything that doesn't grow atrophies. I feel like when there isn't spiritual growth and you go through a period of stagnation, its not just stagnation; its regression because whatever spiritual conditioning you've been built up in your periods of growth, you’re not maintaining it and eventually you lose it. So this experience gave me the opportunity to really value my time and look at what I could be doing better.  

How has this experience affected your relationship with your husband?

I was amazed at how well he managed everything, especially in the weeks when I was the sickest prior to being admitted to the hospital. 

A couple of times I saw him lose his patience with the kids or with his parents or with the fact that the dishes were piled high but generally, and may Allah reward him, he was really solid. It's not that I expected him to not be reliable but I was just so impressed with how in tune he was with me and my needs and with the children and their needs. I was really impressed by his ability to sacrifice. 

The stereotype is that men really aren't that aware of things and they just kind of do things unconsciously and without consideration to other people but it wasn't like that with him in any way. So naturally, I grew in my love and respect for him. We've been married 9 years and there was a precipitous jump in my affection for him. 

When I was in the hospital I was making a lot of istighfar in how I fulfill my roles as a wife, as a mother, as an employee, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law, as a sister, as a friend, and so asking Allah to forgive me for any deficiencies in the fulfillment of my roles and asking Allah to guide me in being better in the roles that I have. I think now I’m more likely to question my role in a relationship, regardless of who its with. I’m more likely to ask myself now what have I done to help or hurt the relationship. I know the question is specific to my husband but one thing I realized in the hospital was that these lessons really apply to all aspects of my life.

One of the duas I made while I was in the hospital was to ask Allah to guide me towards being a better wife. I wondered if I would have been towards my husband the way that he was towards me when I was sick. You don’t know what you’re willing to do or what you’re capable of doing until you’re in a situation. Everybody talks about, “oh well if it were me, I would blah blah blah,” but you really don’t know. You don’t know what you can expect from yourself and you don’t know what you can expect from the people around you.

It’s like with sins. Some people say, “Oh, I know I have iman so I can be around this certain thing and I know that it won’t affect me.” But you don’t know. You don’t know how much iman you have or how you’ll be affected by something. The fact that you’re even saying that kind of calls your iman into question, that you think so highly of yourself. You don’t know how you’re going to respond to a severe sickness or a death in the family or a stillborn baby or any other calamity. You might have it all planned out in your head but you really don’t know until it actually happens.

It all goes back to asking for guidance. Having been guided to the deen of Islam is one thing, but keeping me upon that guidance that I committed to when I took my shahada is something different. 

What would you have to say to another Muslim mom who encounters MS, either in herself or a close relative or in one of her own children? What advice would you want to share with her?

I would probably tell her the same thing the nurse that I met in the hospital told me. You can choose to be really upset about this or you can choose to focus on getting better and focus on benefiting from the time you've got while you’re here. 

Things are based upon perception. My first birth, I was scared and felt vulnerable and felt like I couldn't trust my body or my environment; I just didn't feel secure. The second time around, I birthed at home and I went into it with confidence, I went into it feeling a lot more relaxed. I was excited but I was relaxed so I wasn't as anxious and I definitely wasn't as fearful. So when  the contractions came, I didn't perceive them as disastrous or as “oh my god, this thing is gonna break me.” My attitude towards each contraction was different than what it would have been in my first birth. So my perception of the pain was significantly lessened than the first birth.

Just recently, I was with a sister, who was another homebirth mom, and we were talking to another sister who didn't have children and she said, “you know, I don’t mind the whole mothering thing, but it’s the labor that scares me.” And the other homebirth mom and I in unison said, “the labor is the easy part.” And it’s because the fear was gone.

So when you’re fearful about a disease like MS, or any disease for that matter, then your perception of what you’re going through is going to be heightened. So the bad is going to feel all the more bad, so bad that you’re probably going to miss any good that there is in it. You have to constantly check your perception and ask yourself, “do I really feel this way or is Shaytan trying to make me feel ungrateful?” And that’s his game: Calling things by another name.  When he went to Adam and Hawaa, he said “this is the tree of life.” He didn't say, “This is the forbidden tree that Allah said don’t go to.” That’s how he gets us to respond in a certain way, by calling things outside of the reality that’s there. 

So yeah, you have sickness, but there’s a reality to that sickness that it’s probably not as bad as you think. 

How has this experience brought you closer to Allah?

I used to make a lot of dua prior to getting sick but I think I know more of what to ask for now. 

Now I’m making dua more frequently and I’m making more specific duas. I’m making dua for other people more than I used to also because in having needs of your own, it’s easier to recognize others’ needs as well.

And there are different acts of worship that I’m trying to do consistently now. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “The deeds most loved by Allah are the ones done consistently, even if they’re small (Bukhari and Muslim).” So you know, instead of sitting down for two and a half hours to do tasbih once, sit for five minutes here and five minutes there and do it consistently. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

And these things aren't easy. They take effort. Let’s say you've memorized the morning adkhar. Just because you know it, doesn't mean that you’re going to do it. And even if you do it, you might not do it with meaning, your mind not be present. So you have to really question yourself and put in the effort because it’s not easy.  

This whole process has really been about learning to submit. Because these things are not in our hands. You plan to go to school, you plan to get married, you plan to have a bunch of kids, and you plan for their life to be this way or that way. Most of the time none of these things are as you plan them and so you have to submit and you have to adapt and you have to adjust and you still have to keep your faith intact. 

Umm Anonymous on Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Part 2

Umm Anonymous is a Muslim mother of two. In early 2012, she was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting Multiple Sclerosis and is currently in remission. To read the first part of our interview with her, click here. Portions of this interview have been altered to maintain the sister's privacy. 

Now before you continue, what exactly is Multiple Sclerosis?

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is an auto-immune disease. An auto-immune disease is a disease where the immune system is attacking some part of your own body. For some people, the immune system is attacking the digestive system like in the case with irritable bowel syndrome. Some people have rheumatoid arthritis where the immune system is attacking their joints.

In the case of MS, your immune system is attacking your nervous system. It’s attacking the brain, attacking the spinal cord, and attacking the nerves. If you have a room full of people, all of whom have MS, all of them are going to have different symptoms. There might be some overlap but it really depends on where the attack is taking place, and how it’s taking place, and how previous attacks took place. Alhamdulilah, so far there hasn't been any permanent damage in any part of my body but the possibility exists. 

And there are different types of MS. There are some more degenerative than others where the person will end up in a wheelchair and will be constantly under the care of other people, either in a nursing home or in the care of their family members. Then there are other people who have what is called relapsing and remitting MS so they’ll have an exacerbation (a flare-up or an episode of symptoms) and then after a few weeks’ time it will go away. So the exacerbation that I most recently had lasted for two months.

Why does the immune system attack the body? Is it trying to rid itself of something?

They don’t know. Which, for me, is a very convenient answer. 

My honest belief is that these auto immune diseases are environmental. The contaminants in our food supply, the genetically modified foods, the environmental and industrial pollution that we're exposed to has a lot to do with how our bodies just can’t handle this chemical onslaught. But the official answer is that they don’t know the cause. 

And the reason why I say that’s the convenient answer is because if they were to say that it’s because of this environmental, industrial and agricultural pollution, that it’s genetically modified food, or it’s too much sugar in the diet, or not enough of that in the diet, then it would require government action on a massive scale to fix the problem. 

What happened next at the Doctor’s?

So the doctor said, “You have Multiple Sclerosis.” The first time I heard her say it I just kind of tilted my head and looked at her and she started to explain some more. The second time I heard her say Multiple Sclerosis, I just burst into tears. I didn't really know a whole lot about the disease but in my head I just saw that in a few weeks I was going to be in a wheel chair, all curled up and in pain, and that I was going to die after just a few, short, excruciating years.

I was scared for my children, for my husband, for myself. I had deteriorated so much in the course of just a few weeks I thought how much further am I going to sink? The doctor held me for about ten minutes and just let me cry on her shoulder. And then after 10 minutes she said, “I don’t know a whole lot about the disease but it’s really not that bad. I know two people who have it. One man is 80 years old and he swims like 3 miles in the bay every single day. And he’s 80 and he has MS. It’s probably very scary for you and I know that you’re in a lot of pain but you can live a very, very active life with this disease.”

So I started asking her questions. And a lot of the questions I was asking she wasn't able to answer. Her role was emergency medicine, not neurology. But she said there was an emergency room nurse there in the hospital who also had MS. I couldn't believe it.

Here I was not able to walk, not able to lift my leg, not able to keep myself from peeing on myself and then there was somebody with the same disease who was able to be a nurse! Nursing is manual labor; you just have a degree. But it’s physically demanding work. At this point it had been weeks since I carried my son or allowed my kids to sit on my lap because I was in so much pain and I was so weak. The doctor asked if I would like to speak with her (the nurse) and I said “absolutely!”

In the meantime my husband had come to the hospital and he saw me crying. And I told him what happened. He took a deep breath and he said “Believe me; you’re going to be fine, inshaAllah.” And I know that he was trying to suppress his emotion in front of me because I was already so emotional. A few minutes later he stepped out to call his mom to let her know what was going on because the whole family had seen me get sicker, and sicker, and sicker. He called his mom and that’s who he let his emotions come to the surface with because he knew that I couldn't handle his emotions and mine. When he came back, he was together and he was encouraging.

The nurse came in and saw me crying and gasping and sobbing and she introduced herself and the first thing she said was, “I hear that you have MS and you have lots of questions but first let me tell you that you’re going to have to get over it.” She then explained how she was sick before getting her diagnosis and how, after being diagnosed, she spent so much time being miserable and angry about it that she ruined the relationships she had. It took another person with MS to tell her to snap out of it more than a year later for her to change things.

It’s bad to have a chronic illness and MS is a painful disease. It’s a disease that if it doesn't disable you completely, it’s going to interrupt your life frequently. But, when you’re not being interrupted by it you can enjoy the fact that you’re alive and that you’re not sick. The nurse advised me not to focus too much on my sadness because I had a life to enjoy. And that was what I needed to hear, from someone who had the disease because it wouldn't have had the authenticity that it did coming from someone else just saying “cheer up, you’re going to be fine.” 

I started treatment that night which was a five-day course of intravenous steroids to stop the autoimmune reaction and allow my body to recover. In the first dose, I went from not being able to move my foot at all to being able to move it a millimeter. And because it had been so long since I was able to move it, I saw that one millimeter. With every subsequent dose I was able to move more and more. 

Everything happened so fast and your body’s abilities deteriorated so quickly, how were you mothering through all of this? How did your children respond to what was happening?  

My daughter still had her classes in the masjid and I had errands to run, groceries to buy, doctors appointments I needed to go to either for myself or for my kids, so I couldn't not do anything. But I did have to be more selective about what I was capable of doing. I said no to anything that I didn't NEED to do. I was still going to work and taking care of the things I needed to take care of. 

Alhamdulilah my in-laws helped a lot with the cooking, even if it was just feeding the kids.Whenever they were home they would also take the kids so I could rest from all the pain that I was dealing with. My husband took on a lot of the cooking as well and whatever we didn't cook, we would order out. It was about two months that I didn’t cook because I couldn't. I wasn't able to. 

It was about 3.5-4 weeks between the time I noticed my early symptoms and the time that I ended up in the hospital. My son was two and my daughter was four and I couldn't carry them. I couldn't even go up and down the stairs. My son has physically grown since then but in the beginning of all of this, his legs were barely long enough to get up the stairs and I couldn't carry him. That last week I was home because it was my vacation from work and was going to my doctors appointments and taking my daughter to her Quran class and that was pretty much the only thing that I was capable of doing. Even just going to the Quran class was so fraught with anxiety because I was having so many problems.

The children saw me losing my abilities and they would ask about it. They knew that I was in a lot of pain and they couldn't touch me. Literally, nobody in the house was allowed to touch me because I was in that much pain. My husband would do whatever he could to try and distract them so they wouldn't touch me but their children and they make mistakes. I would try not to scream or shout at them but they would see me wince from the shake of pain if they touched me by accident and right away they would start to apologize. Just someone brushing against my arm was so painful it would make me want to cry.

They knew that I was having trouble walking and my daughter was so helpful. If she saw me struggling to get up the stairs she would say: “Mommy, I’ll carry you.” Or she would offer to carry my bags. Or if she saw that I was having trouble getting out of bed or getting out of a chair, she would ask me what I needed and if she was capable of doing it she would do it for me mashaAllah. She grew up so much in that period. She understood when I said “mommy is sick” or “mommy is in pain” and I didn't want to keep on telling her that, but it was the truth and I had to explain to them why I was having such a hard time.

On one hand I was proud to see the level of emotional maturity that she had but on the other hand I was sad to see that level of maturity in a four-year old. In my mind four-year-olds should kind of be clueless and playing but Alhamdulilah these things are from Allah. We’re all under Allah’s guidance, even our children. And so Allah had guided her to be aware of what my needs were and aware of her abilities to help me when she could, alhamdulilah.

Even my son, at only two, he was also very sensitive to my needs. One day though, like the Friday before I ended up in the hospital, it was the three of us at home and my husband at work. My husband asked if he should take time off and I told him not to because I didn't know what was wrong or how long I was going to be sick. I told him to save his sick days because we didn't know if things were going to get worse and we would really need them. I had to beg him not to use his sick days but he would still call like every hour just to see if I was okay. Sometimes he would come home during his lunch break just to see if I was okay. I was in so much pain at this point that if I wasn't going to the doctor, I spent the whole day in bed. When my husband was home, he would do everything that he could to make home fun for them and to keep the house clean and the laundry done and the kids food eaten and all that stuff. 

But after a few days my son was like, “I don’t want daddy to play with me I want you to play with me.” And he had been begging for weeks for me to play with him. I was feeling guilty that I couldn't play with my son. So on this one day, the day before I ended up in the hospital, I got down on the floor to play with them and I had to actually lift my legs up and put them into place with my hands because I couldn't move them on their own. He would try to sit on my lap and I would try to bare it as long as I could but it was just so painful.

Dealing with all the pain during the acute phase of my symptoms, I was basically mothering with other people’s help. My decline was so steep and so obvious that pretty much the whole family pitched in to help. All that I was really able to do, and I’m not so sure I even did a good job of it, was make a lot of dua to make sure that the kids were fed and that they weren't getting hurt.   

When I was admitted to the hospital, my husband would take the kids to school and either my mom or my husband’s mom would pick them up and keep them until my husband got out of work. I would see the kids about every other day, about 5-6 times total while I was in the hospital. 

How was it for your children to be in the hospital with you and see you in the hospital?

They seemed fine, they didn't seem scared or uneasy. They were happy to see me and I was happy to see them. I missed them. I had never been away from them in that sort of way. And it’s funny because when you’re with your kids day in and day out, you want a break, you want some peace and quiet. But when you’re away from them and its not by choice, you miss them. Just seeing them walk into the room brought tears of joy to my eyes. Its very easy to take your kids for granted when they’re around all the time. 

What was rehabilitation like?

Every day I had four hours of therapy. Two of them were occupational therapy. They teach you how to cook, clean, and do all the other things that enable you to function in your environment. I also had two hours of physical therapy to help make my body stronger.

In the rehabilitation part of the hospital I had to learn how to walk. I had to learn how to shift my weight from the left foot to the right foot. You know how you’re in the grocery store standing in line behind someone with a 1,000 coupons and so you stand on your left foot and when that one gets achy, you shift your weight to your right foot? Well, I had to learn how to do that. And it felt like the floor was a sheet that was sliding under my feet. The sheet would run out and there would be nothing and I would just fall into an abyss. The sensations in my feet and legs were so messed up that just moving from one foot to the other was terrifying because I didn't want to fall and break a hip.

It wasn't like I had lost strength in my legs, my muscle tone and my strength hadn't gone away at all. It was the coordination, getting the muscles to work in the right way together. That was completely out of whack.

It’s not something that a lot of people really think about but just shifting your weight, or walking, or getting in and out of a chair, or stepping over or around something on the floor, you’re not just using major muscle groups, you’re also using smaller stabilizing muscles that pull the whole activity together. I had no control to coordinate those muscles. So the large muscle would be doing one thing and the stabilizer would be doing something different. Or the stabilizer would be working too hard while my large muscles wouldn't be doing anything.

Physical therapy was painful, it was scary, and it was emotionally difficult. But Alhamdulilah everyone was really invested in helping me get better and everyone was really encouraging. So I went from the bed, to the wheelchair, to the walker, to the four-point cane, to the single point cane. 

How long did it take you to recover?

From the bed to the cane it took about 6 days and for me to be able to fully walk and resume regular activities, it took about 4 weeks. But I still used the cane for about a month after getting out of the hospital because I was still limping. So it took about a month after leaving the hospital for my walking to return to normal. 

About 4 days after leaving the hospital I started going back to the gym. Getting back on the bike really helped me to get my walking back in order because of the repetition of the motion. A lot of physical therapy is getting the brain to reconnect with the body and the repetition helps with that. All of the instructors at the gym were eager in helping me to modify the exercises for what I could handle. So after getting out of the hospital, the gym was the centerpiece in getting my physical health back. 

How were you praying during your time in the hospital?

I was praying either from the bed or from the chair. For wudu, I would have someone bring me a basin of water. Especially washing my feet, I couldn't stand on either of my legs without falling so you improvise. I had to combine the prayers because I couldn't keep myself clean and it was such a big production just to make wudu. So I would pray fajr, then I would pray dhuhr and asr together, and then pray maghrib and ishaa together. 

SubhanAllah. I didn't sleep well in the hospital. Either it would be too hot or too cold or because of the drugs that I was on, I was peeing all the time. Because of the medication I was literally getting up every 35 minutes to go pee. And it wasn't just a few drops, I was peeing in volume and it was an emergency. Many times I couldn't make it to the bathroom without making a mess.

I was waking up super early, before Fajr. And in my mind I thought, “well why even bother going back to bed because I’m just going to have to wake up again to pee, so let me just wait for fajr.” So I would make ithkaar and I would make duaa but more than that, I was making a lot of istighfar.

One of the things that dawned on me was what the emergency room doctor told me. She said: “You know, it could be a lot worse. I could have told you that you had a brain tumor and you only have six weeks to live so say your goodbyes. But that’s not the kind of disease that you have.” And when she said that, honestly, it made me cry more because I’m over here crying because I can’t walk and I’m not sure if I can ever walk again but at least I have the opportunity to make istighfar. And after like a good 45 minutes of boohoo crying it occurred to me the ayah in Suratal Baqarah where Allah is talking about the patient and He says, “when a  disaster or a calamity befalls them, they say ‘inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon’ (from Allah we come and to Allah we return). They’re patient. And Allah will bestow on them blessings and mercy as a result of their patience. 

But patience is in the moment. It’s not 45 minutes later. So I was sad because I knew I had lost a really prime opportunity to display patience and to show my Lord that I was submitting to whatever He decreed for me. I was sad that I blew that chance. So I told myself that I wasn't going to allow opportunities like that to miss me again.