June 27, 2014
June 5, 2014
Umm 'Abdullah on Step-Parenting
Umm 'Abdullah is a step-mother of one child, currently living in the USA.
In the Sunnah we are taught that
Jannah is at the feet of our mothers:
In an authentic hadith, a man came to the
Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I intend to go on a (military)
expedition, but I have come to ask your advice." He said, "Is your
mother alive?" He said, "Yes." He said, "Then stay with
her, for the Garden is under her feet." (Ibn Majah and An-Nasa’i)
We are also taught that we should
obey and respect our mothers and take care of them as they age. In the Noble
Qur’an, Allah, subhana wa ta’ala, says:
“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none
but Him and that you be kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them
attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them,
but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing
of humility and say, “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished
me in my childhood.” (17:23-24)
If you are a mother, then you
know how much you would give up just to see your child grow to be happy and
healthy and to be a loyal servant of Allah subhana wa ta’ala. If you are not a
mother, you can surely think of something your mother did to help you, regardless
of how close you are to her or the type of relationship you have with her. This
mother-child relationship is clearly defined both in our own minds and in the
beauty of the Qur’an.
However, what about step parents?
How can one define this role? After much thought and internal struggle the only
way I can define my personal role as a step parent is: CHALLENGING. Now this
isn’t to say that being a biological parent is easy by any means, but the
challenges are different. As a step parent the hardest thing to accept is that,
no matter how much you love your spouse’s child, they aren’t your own and
therefore the rules are different for you whether you like it or not. First let
me take the most “ideal” situation for step parents: you’ve married your spouse
who has an infant child from a previous marriage and his or her ex-spouse is
100% out of the picture and your spouse views you as his or her child’s mother.
The child grows up viewing you as his or her rightful mother with all powers
and responsibilities bestowed upon you as a mother and everyone lives happily
ever after.
This situation almost never
happens. Here’s what really happens: you fall in love with your spouse for the
sake of Allah subhanna wa ta’ala, you convince yourself that it can’t be that
hard to take care of his or her child since at some point in life you want
children of your own (and you’ve taken care of your brothers, sisters, nieces,
nephews, cousins etc.) so how hard can it be? Oh and that ex-spouse? Well he or
she will move on and we’ll all be friends and everything will be wonderful.
Then, you and your spouse get married and you’ve spent lots of time with the
child or children and insha’Allah they have accepted you into their family
either because they are too young to understand what’s happening or you’ve
spent painstaking hours explaining to them that you could never replace their
mother/father, even though very deep down within yourself, that’s exactly what
you want to do but you refuse to admit that to yourself. Typically, at least
within the western world, the child lives primarily with one parent while the
other has visitation every other week or so. That means, that as a step parent,
one week it’s just you and your spouse living as a couple, and then the next
week you’re a mother or father….kind of. And then the next week you’re not. And
so on for the next 18 years of your life.
Now while mothers have that 1
relationship with their child, a step mother or step father has 3 relationships
to worry about: their relationship with the child, their relationship with their
spouse regarding the child, and their relationship with their spouse’s
ex-husband or ex-wife. I’ll start with the relationship with the child, which
for me was the easiest. My husband’s child was only 1 year old when we got
married (he’s almost 3 now alhamdulilah). This relationship was the easiest
because I learned to love him quite quickly and he was too young to really
understand why suddenly he has “2 mommies.” The key word here is I “LEARNED” to
love him. As much as I wish I could say “and then I looked in his eyes and that
unconditional love took over me,” I can’t. I did not create this baby with my
husband, I did not carry him for 9 months, I did not give birth to him, and I
had not been around to see his first year of life. Furthermore, as much as I
hated myself for thinking it, I really did not like having him around at first
because he was a constant reminder that my husband had wanted to have him with
someone else. These feelings continued for quite some time until the child
began calling for me. Suddenly I was the only one who could put him to bed,
make his food, or give him a bath. He didn’t want his daddy to do it, he wanted
me….his step-mother to do it. That’s when I fell in love. When he needed me
like a mother, I felt like a mother and suddenly things weren’t as difficult. I
knew my role with him and I could define it to myself and I stopped introducing
him to people as “my husbands son” and started introducing him as “my
step-son.”
The second relationship you have
as a step-parent is the one you have with your spouse regarding the child. This
is very different that the relationship you have with your spouse as a husband
or a wife. The hardest aspect of this relationship is trying to figure out how
your spouse wants you to act toward their child. Alhamdulilah my husband was
more than willing to step aside and let me handle bed time, meal time, and bath
time and let me take the child out by myself or stay alone in the house with
him. In time he even let me discipline his son when he was having a tantrum, as
most 2 year olds do. However, this is not the case for many step-mommies or
step-daddies. A type of power struggle typically evolves as a result of this
complicated relationship. Some parents don’t want their spouse to discipline
their child or take over certain roles because they feel they are being pushed
out. A normal human response to losing control is to fight back and try to take
control of everything. It is not unusual for spouses to fight over their roles
in the child’s life and for the biological mother or father to tell the
step-parent that it’s “not their job to do that” when it comes to a
responsibility they feel is rightfully theirs as the biological parent. In this
situation typically the step-parent will withdraw completely and want nothing
to do with the child because they don’t want to upset their spouse. In
addition, its mentally exhausting and emotionally draining to check yourself at
every step and have to wonder “is this my responsibility or my
husband’s/wife’s?” There is no outlined way in any psychology book or therapy
manual to tell you how to resolve this issue. It normally takes an inordinate
amount of patience from both sides and strong communication skills in order to
overcome this challenge.
The third and final relationship
you have as a step-parent is your relationship with your spouse’s ex-husband or
ex-wife. This can either be the most frustrating, enraging, and down-right
painful relationship you’ll ever have, or it’ll be the easiest. If, on the rare
occasion, the divorce was amicable and both parties accepted that the
relationship between them did not work and have both moved on and accepted that
each will most likely remarry and their child will have two mothers and two
fathers, then this relationship for the step-parents is relatively simple.
However, more likely than not, the divorce was not pleasant for either party
and some hostile feelings remain. Since both parties are normally told by
family and friends to ignore each other and just move on with their lives,
those hostile feelings need to come down on someone. So why not the person that
your ex-spouse marries and is trying to “move in on your child?” It’s easy to
understand the logic behind it: they’re resentful of the fact that they will
always be tied to the one person they don’t want to remember, they’re angry
that their ex has moved on which makes them feel replaced, they don’t have the
typical nuclear family and often get uncomfortable or even rude comments from others
in the community, and their child is calling someone else mama or dada. I can’t
say that I would feel or act any differently if the roles were reversed.
However, that justification gives
little solace to step-parents. Typically in our lives if there is someone we
don’t particularly care for, we can keep them at a distance and limit
communication with them. This doesn’t work in this scenario. The person that is
taking their frustrations out on you is the mother or father of your step-child
for whom you care very deeply. In turn, you have to accept that the child loves
this individual and you cannot let your own personal feelings for their mom or
dad show in front of them. Furthermore,
this ex-spouse is a constant, never-ending reminder that the man or woman you
married and love did not choose you first. You are second. You might be the
“right one” but you will never be the “first one.” You’ll never be his or her
first spouse or first mother or father of their child. Never. And their
ex-spouse will always be there, either through that 6am angry text message or
at pick-ups and drop-offs or when your spouse has to make that direct deposit
into their ex’s bank account for child support. They will never go away and you
just have to accept it.
Besides these 3 relationships
you’ll have as a step-parent, there’s a whole host of other challenges. What do
your parents say about you marrying someone who already has children? What does
the community think? How do you comfort your spouse when they have to drop-off
their child every other week to their ex-wife or ex-husband and they don’t
realize that it hurts you just as much? What do you say when someone asks you
if you have children? What do you do when you disagree with something that the
child’s parents have decided to do? How do you reconcile having absolutely no
legal authority over a child that you consider to be your own? How do you
define being a step-parent?
I personally grew closer to Allah
subhana wa ta’ala during my journey so far as a step-parent. When things got
difficult I often felt like no one really understood what I was going through.
My husband had his own view of things and his own challenges with the
situation. My parents were hesitant from the beginning as to whether I would be
able to handle it and so I didn’t feel like I could turn to them for support.
My friends alhamdulilah were very caring and always willing to provide a
shoulder to cry on but I still felt very alone through all of this. That’s when
I decided I really needed to turn all of my attention towards Allah subhana wa
ta’ala knowing that He would hear me.
On several occasions I broke down
in tears during salah and it was difficult to even know what I was praying for.
Do I pray that my step-son considers me a mother? Then what about his
biological mother? He already had a mom. Do I pray that my husband loves the
children he will have with me as much as his son from another woman? I felt a
lot of guilt about praying for things I thought weren’t “fair” or “justified.”
Sometimes I would even miss salah because I felt like everything I was praying for
was selfish and I somehow didn’t deserve to reach out to Allah subhana wa ta’ala.
Over time though, I began just
praying that something changed; I was praying to feel better about the
situation. I became closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala and I felt myself
becoming stronger in my deen because on the hardest of days, prayer was all I
had. Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made things a little easier for me each day
and I thank Him for the small blessings as well as the big ones. With Allah’s
swt help I have learned to be patient and thankful that I can just spend time
with my step-son and I am in this position in my life because Allah subhana wa
ta’ala has made it so, and therefore there is a reason for it. This has brought
solace and comfort to me and has ultimately strengthened my attachment to Allah
and all I do now is pray that He continue to guide me through whatever happens.
The hardest part for me about
being a step-parent is that no matter how much I love my step-son, no matter
how supportive my husband is, and no matter how well I control my feelings
towards his ex-wife, I will always have to put “step” before “parent” and that
will never get any easier. I make dua for all the step-parents out there that
Allah subhana wa ta’ala (spelling?) makes it easier for you and that you
achieve Jannah for everything you go through and everything you sacrifice as a
step-parent. May Allah subhana wa ta’ala bless all the step-moms and step-dads
out there who work twice as hard for half the credit. Take solace in pleasing
Allah subhana wa ta’ala and turn to Him when it get’s too hard.
“If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He
forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone)
let believers put their trust.” (Quran, 3:160)
May 27, 2014
5 Tips to Avoid Overspending in Ramadan
Umm Suzana is a Columbian mother
of three currently living in New Jersey, USA. She is passionate about natural
remedies and ways to save on family spending.
During the
blessed month of Ramadan, our usual attention to daily house and family
routines get turned towards making the most of our worship, as they should. But
whether it’s a start of the month iftar stock-up or a last minute run to the
store before suhoor, someone will eventually have to get some groceries. And in
case that person is you, here are five tips to help keep your spending in line:
Tip #1: Never Shop When You’re Feeling
Hungry
Shopping
while hungry increases the chances that you will buy on impulse. Your tummy is growling,
your throat is parched, and your brain is thinking: “food, drink, now!” With
all of this going on, you will be much more likely to give in to purchasing
food items that you don’t really need, blasting your budget right out of the water.
It’s best to
eat before you shop. That way the only thing your brain has to focus on
is sticking to the list. If you’re fasting, trying doing your grocery shopping
early, right after your morning suhoor. Or try it in the evening after you’ve
finished your iftar.
If you have
to shop with children in tow, make sure that they have been fed beforehand too!
Tip #2: Make a List
Everyone’s
list will be different depending on how and when a person prefers to shop. But in
general, make sure your list includes the day-to-day particulars as well as the
bulk items that you know you will need throughout the month. Items like plates,
napkins, dates and water can be bought early on and in bulk to help save time
and money!
To save cooking
time for last minute iftars or unexpected guests, stock up on veggies and herbs
early on too. Once purchased, they can be chopped and frozen into small,
easy-to-cook portions that you can use throughout the month.
When you get
to the store, strive to not buy anything that’s not already on your list.
Buying off the list is a quick and almost sure way to overspend and come home
with unnecessary items. Think of this way: If it wasn’t on the list in the
first place, you more than likely don’t need it!
If you have
trouble making a list on the spot, try keeping a piece of paper or a white
board on the fridge where you can jot down the items you run out of, especially
the items you want to stock up on before Ramadan begins. This not only helps
save time in making your grocery list but also helps keep you from forgetting important
items for your home.
Tip #3 Set Your Budget
Setting a
budget beforehand helps keep you in line when your impulses lean towards
unnecessary purchases.
Before
Ramadan begins, try to make a bi-weekly budget so you don’t have to spend time
shopping every week or even every day. Our goal this month should be to spend
as much of our time as possible in worship, not waiting in lines at the grocery
store. Make sure to include enough money in your budget to cover any possible
tax costs.
Once you
have your list set, check the grocery store circulars and newspapers for
current deals and coupons. Every state differs but in New Jersey, the circulars
are usually released on Fridays and the store coupons on Sundays.
Mark down
the sale items that match the items on your list so you know to go straight for
the deals when you get to the store. If you find coupons matching your list
items, clip them and use them at the register to save even more, inshaAllah!
For even
more savings, check with your local stores for a free customer rewards card
that you can swipe to get gifts cards, cash back, or extra discounts on the
items you need.
Tip# 4: Pay Attention to the
Shelves!
Oftentimes,
stores place their most expensive items at eyelevel, within easy reach, while
the clearance items are placed towards the bottom or back of the shelves. So if
you want to save, be prepared to bend down and dig a little to find the deals.
Tip #5: Make Duaa
As with
everything else we do in the deen, we should always ask Allah to accept our
efforts and bless them for us.
The Prophet
Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said that the dua of the fasting person
will not be rejected!
The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam, said: “Three supplications will not be rejected (by Allah,
subahana wa ta ala) the supplication of the parent for his child, the
supplication of the one who is fasting, and the supplication of the traveler. (al-Bayhaqi,
at-Tirmidhi – Sahih)
MashaAllah,
what a wonderful blessing! So definitely take time in Ramadan to make lots and
lots of dua, even when it comes to the shopping.
If you
struggle to sticking to a budget, ask Allah to make it easy for you. Ask Him to
make it easy for you to get in and out with everything you need. If you know
your particular grocer isn’t coupon friendly, make duaa that Allah gives you
safe travels to and from the store and gives you the patience to deal with
whatever obstacles the day may bring.
May 9, 2014
Daily Deeds: Cleansing Power of Wudu
This post was excerpted from Healing Body and Soul by Amira Ayad
Allah, subahana wa ta ala, says in the Qur'an: "O you who believe! When you intend to offer the prayer, wash your face and your hands (forearms) up to the elbows, rub (by passing wet hands over) your heads, and wash your feet up to the ankles..." --Surah Al-Maidah, 5: 6
"Ablution is not a mere physical act; it is a sign of the purification of the soul, driving away evil thoughts, clearing the mind and preparing one to concentrate only on the glorification and worship of Allah. Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, taught us that ablution washes away sins, purifying and cleansing the soul."
In a Sahih hadith narrated in Muslim and Tirmidhi, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said: "If the Muslim performs ablution and washes his face, any offense he overlooked with his eyes will come out with the water; and when he washes his hands, any assault he commited with his hands will come out with the water; and when he washes his feet any misdeed to which he walked with his feet will come out with the water, till he concludes (the ablution) free from sins."
April 24, 2014
Exceptional Umms: Asma' Bint Abu Bakr
This post was compiled
from multiple hadith found in Sahih Bukhari and the book Great Women of Islam, written by Mahmood Ahmad Ghadanfar.
Qualities That Made
Her Great
Courage, Piety, Patience, Sacrifice
Her Family
She was the sister of ‘Aishah bint Abu Bakr, the wife of the
Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Her father Abu Bakr, her husband
Az-Zubayr, and her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr were all famous companions of
the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. After her parents accepted Islam, Asma’
and her siblings were raised in an atmosphere of Islamic faith and practice.
The Woman of Two
Waist Belts
When the time came for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, to migrate from Mecca to Medina, a plan was devised for him to migrate
in secret with his great and loyal companion Abu Bakr as-Siddique. Though she
was just a young girl at the time, it was the courageous Asma’ who gathered
food and water for the great journey her father and The Prophet, sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam, were about to make.
In Sahih Bukhari, Asma’ related: “I prepared the journey food for the
Prophet and Abu Bakr when they wanted to migrate to Medina. I said to my father (Abu
Bakr), "I do not have anything to tie the container of the journey food
with except my waist belt." He said, "Divide it
lengthwise into two." I did so, and for this reason I was named
'Dhat-un-Nitaqain' (i.e. the owner of two belts)”
In another narration,
Aisha said about this time: “…One day, while we were sitting in Abu Bakr's
house, someone said to Abu Bakr, "This is Allah's Apostle with his head covered
coming at a time at which he never used to visit us before." Abu Bakr
said, "May my parents be sacrificed for him. By Allah, he has not come at
this hour except for a great necessity." So Allah's Apostle came and asked
permission to enter, and he was allowed to enter. When he entered, he said to
Abu Bakr. "Tell everyone who is present with you to go away." Abu
Bakr replied, "There are none but your family. May my father be sacrificed
for you, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said, "I have been given permission
to migrate." Abu Bakr said, "Shall I accompany you? May my father be
sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" Allah's Apostle said,
"Yes." Abu Bakr said, "O Allah's Apostle! May my father be
sacrificed for you, take one of these two she-camels of mine." Allah's
Apostle replied, "I will accept it with payment." So we prepared the
baggage quickly and put some journey food in a leather bag for them. Asma’, Abu
Bakr's daughter, cut a piece from her waist belt and tied the mouth of
the leather bag with it, and for that reason she was named Dhat-un-Nitaqain
(i.e. the owner of two belts)…”
Her Patience in
Poverty
It’s related in the Sahih of Bukhari that when Asma’ was
married to Zubayr bin ‘Awam, he was a very pious but poor man.
Asma’ narrated: “When Az-Zubayr
married me, he had neither land, nor wealth, nor slave, nor anything else like
it, except a camel to get water and his horse. I used to graze his horse,
provide fodder for it, look after it and ground dates for his camel. Besides
this, I grazed the camel, made arrangements for providing it with water and
patching up his leather bucket and kneading the flour. I was not very good at
baking the bread, so my female neighbors used to bake bread for me and they
were sincere women. And I used to carry on my head, the date-stones from the
land of az-Zubayr which the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam had endowed him and it was a
distance of two miles from Madinah.
One day, as I was carrying the date-stones upon my head, I
happened to meet Allah's Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, along with a
group of his Companions. He called me and told the camel to sit down so that he
could make me ride behind him. I felt shy to go with men and I remembered Az-Zubayr
and his ghirah (ghirah is the sense of pride that a
man has which causes him to dislike his wives, daughters or sisters from being
seen or heard by strangers - it is this ghirah which makes a man protective
about his women) and he was a man having the most ghirah. The Messenger sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam understood my shyness and
left.
I came to Az-Zubayr and said, 'The Messenger of Allah met me
as I was carrying date-stones upon my head and there was with him a group of
his Companions. He told the camel to kneel so that I could mount it but I felt
shy from him and I remembered your ghirah.' Upon this Az-Zubayr said,
'By Allah, the thought of you carrying date-stones upon your head is more
severe a burden to me than you riding with him.'
I led this life of hardship until Abu Bakr sent me a female servant
who took upon herself the responsibility of looking after the horse and I felt
as if she had emancipated me."
Her Generosity
Asma’ bint Abi Bakr was a woman known to give a lot in
charity mashaAllah, even if she had nothing left to keep for herself.
Asma’ narrated: “Once I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I
have no property except what has been given to me by Az-Zubayr (i.e. her
husband). May I give it in charity?" The Prophet said, "Give in
charity and do not withhold it; otherwise Allah will withhold it back from
you." –Sahih Bukhari
The Birth of Abdullah
ibn Az-Zubayr
Asma’ and her husband conceived in Mecca and when it came
time for them to migrate across the desert to Medina, Asma’s pregnancy was
already full term. It was during her travels that she went into labor as they
reached the valley of Quba and it was there that she gave birth to her son,
Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr, the first Muslim child to be born amongst the muhajireen,
mashaAllah.
Asma’ relates her story in Sahih
Bukhari: “I migrated to Medina while I was at
full term of pregnancy and alighted at Quba where
I gave birth to him. Then I brought him to the Prophet and put him in his lap.
The Prophet asked for a date, chewed it, and put some of its juice in the
child's mouth. So, the first thing that entered the child's stomach was the
saliva of Allah's Apostle. Then the Prophet rubbed the child's palate with a
date and invoked for Allah's Blessings on him, and he was the first child born
amongst the Emigrants in the Islamic Land (i.e. Medina).”
The Great Advice to
Her Son
Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr grew to become a great man and a noble companion,
known for his fortitude and accomplishments on the battlefield. Towards the end
of his life, the Muslims were split over who should take khalifa. Abdullah ibn
Az-Zubayr refused to accept the caliphate of Bani Umayyah and rose his own army
in Mecca to fight against Hajjaj. But the army of Hajjaj surrounded Mecca,
refused to allow food to enter, and laid siege to the city with catapults,
greatly weakening and eventually defeating ibn Az-Zubayr’s army.
As Hajjaj’s forces entered into Mecca, they gave Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr
three choices: (1) be taken into custody and delivered to the khalifa in
Damascus; (2) leave Mecca and surrender all the lands that he had overcome such
as Egypt, Iraq and Yemen; and (3) try to continue fighting.
At this critical time, Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr decided to seek advice
from none other than his mother, Asma’ bint Abu Bakr, who at this time was over
100 years old mashaAllah.
Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr said to his mother: “So the people have left me by myself, even
my own son. No one is with me except a handful of people, all I have is an hour
of patience and then death and if I were to do what the people want me to do
then I will be free.”
And Asma’ replied to her son: “You know better in your own self that if
you are upon the truth and you are calling towards the truth, then go forth for
people more honorable than you were killed and have been killed. And if you are
not upon the truth, then what an evil son you are, you have destroyed yourself
and those who are with you. If you say what you say, that you are upon the
truth and you will be killed at the hands of others then you will not truly be
free, for this is not the statement of someone who is free. How long will you
live in this world? Death is more beloved to me than this state you are in,
this state of weakness.”
Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr
replied to his mother’s honest words: “I
am afraid I will be mutilated by the people of Sham, I am afraid they will cut
up my body after they have killed me.” And Asma’ replied: “After someone has
died, it won’t make any difference what they do to you if you have been
killed.”
Ibn Az-Zubayr
continued: “I did not come to you except
to increase myself in knowledge. Look and pay attention to this day for verily
I am a dead man, your son never drank wine, nor was he a fornicator, nor did he
wrong any Muslim or Kaafir, nor was he unjust, I am not saying this to you to
show off or show how pure I am but rather as an honor to you.”
After their final
conversation, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr rode out and was killed by the army of
Hajjaj.
Courage in the
Face of Injustice
After her son was killed, Al-Hajjaj refused him a proper burial and left
his body for public display instead. He refused anyone permission to remove the
body and informed Asma’ that if she wanted to have the body taken down, she
would have to come in person and request his permission first. Asma’ refused to
succumb to such a request.
After some time passed and Asma’ would not come, Hajjaj went to visit
her himself and asked: “What do you say about this matter?”
Asma’ replied:
“Verily you have destroyed him, you have ruined his life and with that you have
ruined your hereafter.”
After a few days, Hajjaj took down the body of her son and Asma’
retrieved it, washed it, and gathered the people to perform the congregational
prayer at his burial.
Her Death
When Asma’ bint Abu Bakr died, she was over 100 years old, and still had
a full set of teeth, mashaAllah. May Allah reward her and have mercy on her.
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