Umm 'Abdullah on Step-Parenting

Umm 'Abdullah is a step-mother of one child, currently living in the USA. 

In the Sunnah we are taught that Jannah is at the feet of our mothers:

In an authentic hadith, a man came to the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I intend to go on a (military) expedition, but I have come to ask your advice." He said, "Is your mother alive?" He said, "Yes." He said, "Then stay with her, for the Garden is under her feet." (Ibn Majah and An-Nasa’i)

We are also taught that we should obey and respect our mothers and take care of them as they age. In the Noble Qur’an, Allah, subhana wa ta’ala, says:

“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in my childhood.” (17:23-24)

If you are a mother, then you know how much you would give up just to see your child grow to be happy and healthy and to be a loyal servant of Allah subhana wa ta’ala. If you are not a mother, you can surely think of something your mother did to help you, regardless of how close you are to her or the type of relationship you have with her. This mother-child relationship is clearly defined both in our own minds and in the beauty of the Qur’an.

However, what about step parents? How can one define this role? After much thought and internal struggle the only way I can define my personal role as a step parent is: CHALLENGING. Now this isn’t to say that being a biological parent is easy by any means, but the challenges are different. As a step parent the hardest thing to accept is that, no matter how much you love your spouse’s child, they aren’t your own and therefore the rules are different for you whether you like it or not. First let me take the most “ideal” situation for step parents: you’ve married your spouse who has an infant child from a previous marriage and his or her ex-spouse is 100% out of the picture and your spouse views you as his or her child’s mother. The child grows up viewing you as his or her rightful mother with all powers and responsibilities bestowed upon you as a mother and everyone lives happily ever after.

This situation almost never happens. Here’s what really happens: you fall in love with your spouse for the sake of Allah subhanna wa ta’ala, you convince yourself that it can’t be that hard to take care of his or her child since at some point in life you want children of your own (and you’ve taken care of your brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins etc.) so how hard can it be? Oh and that ex-spouse? Well he or she will move on and we’ll all be friends and everything will be wonderful. Then, you and your spouse get married and you’ve spent lots of time with the child or children and insha’Allah they have accepted you into their family either because they are too young to understand what’s happening or you’ve spent painstaking hours explaining to them that you could never replace their mother/father, even though very deep down within yourself, that’s exactly what you want to do but you refuse to admit that to yourself. Typically, at least within the western world, the child lives primarily with one parent while the other has visitation every other week or so. That means, that as a step parent, one week it’s just you and your spouse living as a couple, and then the next week you’re a mother or father….kind of. And then the next week you’re not. And so on for the next 18 years of your life.

Now while mothers have that 1 relationship with their child, a step mother or step father has 3 relationships to worry about: their relationship with the child, their relationship with their spouse regarding the child, and their relationship with their spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife. I’ll start with the relationship with the child, which for me was the easiest. My husband’s child was only 1 year old when we got married (he’s almost 3 now alhamdulilah). This relationship was the easiest because I learned to love him quite quickly and he was too young to really understand why suddenly he has “2 mommies.” The key word here is I “LEARNED” to love him. As much as I wish I could say “and then I looked in his eyes and that unconditional love took over me,” I can’t. I did not create this baby with my husband, I did not carry him for 9 months, I did not give birth to him, and I had not been around to see his first year of life. Furthermore, as much as I hated myself for thinking it, I really did not like having him around at first because he was a constant reminder that my husband had wanted to have him with someone else. These feelings continued for quite some time until the child began calling for me. Suddenly I was the only one who could put him to bed, make his food, or give him a bath. He didn’t want his daddy to do it, he wanted me….his step-mother to do it. That’s when I fell in love. When he needed me like a mother, I felt like a mother and suddenly things weren’t as difficult. I knew my role with him and I could define it to myself and I stopped introducing him to people as “my husbands son” and started introducing him as “my step-son.”

The second relationship you have as a step-parent is the one you have with your spouse regarding the child. This is very different that the relationship you have with your spouse as a husband or a wife. The hardest aspect of this relationship is trying to figure out how your spouse wants you to act toward their child. Alhamdulilah my husband was more than willing to step aside and let me handle bed time, meal time, and bath time and let me take the child out by myself or stay alone in the house with him. In time he even let me discipline his son when he was having a tantrum, as most 2 year olds do. However, this is not the case for many step-mommies or step-daddies. A type of power struggle typically evolves as a result of this complicated relationship. Some parents don’t want their spouse to discipline their child or take over certain roles because they feel they are being pushed out. A normal human response to losing control is to fight back and try to take control of everything. It is not unusual for spouses to fight over their roles in the child’s life and for the biological mother or father to tell the step-parent that it’s “not their job to do that” when it comes to a responsibility they feel is rightfully theirs as the biological parent. In this situation typically the step-parent will withdraw completely and want nothing to do with the child because they don’t want to upset their spouse. In addition, its mentally exhausting and emotionally draining to check yourself at every step and have to wonder “is this my responsibility or my husband’s/wife’s?” There is no outlined way in any psychology book or therapy manual to tell you how to resolve this issue. It normally takes an inordinate amount of patience from both sides and strong communication skills in order to overcome this challenge.

The third and final relationship you have as a step-parent is your relationship with your spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife. This can either be the most frustrating, enraging, and down-right painful relationship you’ll ever have, or it’ll be the easiest. If, on the rare occasion, the divorce was amicable and both parties accepted that the relationship between them did not work and have both moved on and accepted that each will most likely remarry and their child will have two mothers and two fathers, then this relationship for the step-parents is relatively simple. However, more likely than not, the divorce was not pleasant for either party and some hostile feelings remain. Since both parties are normally told by family and friends to ignore each other and just move on with their lives, those hostile feelings need to come down on someone. So why not the person that your ex-spouse marries and is trying to “move in on your child?” It’s easy to understand the logic behind it: they’re resentful of the fact that they will always be tied to the one person they don’t want to remember, they’re angry that their ex has moved on which makes them feel replaced, they don’t have the typical nuclear family and often get uncomfortable or even rude comments from others in the community, and their child is calling someone else mama or dada. I can’t say that I would feel or act any differently if the roles were reversed.

However, that justification gives little solace to step-parents. Typically in our lives if there is someone we don’t particularly care for, we can keep them at a distance and limit communication with them. This doesn’t work in this scenario. The person that is taking their frustrations out on you is the mother or father of your step-child for whom you care very deeply. In turn, you have to accept that the child loves this individual and you cannot let your own personal feelings for their mom or dad show in front of them.  Furthermore, this ex-spouse is a constant, never-ending reminder that the man or woman you married and love did not choose you first. You are second. You might be the “right one” but you will never be the “first one.” You’ll never be his or her first spouse or first mother or father of their child. Never. And their ex-spouse will always be there, either through that 6am angry text message or at pick-ups and drop-offs or when your spouse has to make that direct deposit into their ex’s bank account for child support. They will never go away and you just have to accept it.

Besides these 3 relationships you’ll have as a step-parent, there’s a whole host of other challenges. What do your parents say about you marrying someone who already has children? What does the community think? How do you comfort your spouse when they have to drop-off their child every other week to their ex-wife or ex-husband and they don’t realize that it hurts you just as much? What do you say when someone asks you if you have children? What do you do when you disagree with something that the child’s parents have decided to do? How do you reconcile having absolutely no legal authority over a child that you consider to be your own? How do you define being a step-parent?

I personally grew closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala during my journey so far as a step-parent. When things got difficult I often felt like no one really understood what I was going through. My husband had his own view of things and his own challenges with the situation. My parents were hesitant from the beginning as to whether I would be able to handle it and so I didn’t feel like I could turn to them for support. My friends alhamdulilah were very caring and always willing to provide a shoulder to cry on but I still felt very alone through all of this. That’s when I decided I really needed to turn all of my attention towards Allah subhana wa ta’ala knowing that He would hear me.

On several occasions I broke down in tears during salah and it was difficult to even know what I was praying for. Do I pray that my step-son considers me a mother? Then what about his biological mother? He already had a mom. Do I pray that my husband loves the children he will have with me as much as his son from another woman? I felt a lot of guilt about praying for things I thought weren’t “fair” or “justified.” Sometimes I would even miss salah because I felt like everything I was praying for was selfish and I somehow didn’t deserve to reach out to Allah subhana wa ta’ala.

Over time though, I began just praying that something changed; I was praying to feel better about the situation. I became closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala and I felt myself becoming stronger in my deen because on the hardest of days, prayer was all I had. Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made things a little easier for me each day and I thank Him for the small blessings as well as the big ones. With Allah’s swt help I have learned to be patient and thankful that I can just spend time with my step-son and I am in this position in my life because Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made it so, and therefore there is a reason for it. This has brought solace and comfort to me and has ultimately strengthened my attachment to Allah and all I do now is pray that He continue to guide me through whatever happens.

The hardest part for me about being a step-parent is that no matter how much I love my step-son, no matter how supportive my husband is, and no matter how well I control my feelings towards his ex-wife, I will always have to put “step” before “parent” and that will never get any easier. I make dua for all the step-parents out there that Allah subhana wa ta’ala (spelling?) makes it easier for you and that you achieve Jannah for everything you go through and everything you sacrifice as a step-parent. May Allah subhana wa ta’ala bless all the step-moms and step-dads out there who work twice as hard for half the credit. Take solace in pleasing Allah subhana wa ta’ala and turn to Him when it get’s too hard.

“If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.” (Quran, 3:160)

Exceptional Umms: Asma' Bint Abu Bakr

This post was compiled from multiple hadith found in Sahih Bukhari and the book Great Women of Islam, written by Mahmood Ahmad Ghadanfar.

Qualities That Made Her Great

Courage, Piety, Patience, Sacrifice

Her Family

She was the sister of ‘Aishah bint Abu Bakr, the wife of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Her father Abu Bakr, her husband Az-Zubayr, and her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr were all famous companions of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. After her parents accepted Islam, Asma’ and her siblings were raised in an atmosphere of Islamic faith and practice.

The Woman of Two Waist Belts

When the time came for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to migrate from Mecca to Medina, a plan was devised for him to migrate in secret with his great and loyal companion Abu Bakr as-Siddique. Though she was just a young girl at the time, it was the courageous Asma’ who gathered food and water for the great journey her father and The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, were about to make. 

In Sahih Bukhari, Asma’ related: “I prepared the journey food for the Prophet and Abu Bakr when they wanted to migrate to Medina. I said to my father (Abu Bakr), "I do not have anything to tie the container of the journey food with except my waist belt." He said, "Divide it lengthwise into two." I did so, and for this reason I was named 'Dhat-un-Nitaqain' (i.e. the owner of two belts)”

In another narration, Aisha said about this time: “…One day, while we were sitting in Abu Bakr's house, someone said to Abu Bakr, "This is Allah's Apostle with his head covered coming at a time at which he never used to visit us before." Abu Bakr said, "May my parents be sacrificed for him. By Allah, he has not come at this hour except for a great necessity." So Allah's Apostle came and asked permission to enter, and he was allowed to enter. When he entered, he said to Abu Bakr. "Tell everyone who is present with you to go away." Abu Bakr replied, "There are none but your family. May my father be sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said, "I have been given permission to migrate." Abu Bakr said, "Shall I accompany you? May my father be sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" Allah's Apostle said, "Yes." Abu Bakr said, "O Allah's Apostle! May my father be sacrificed for you, take one of these two she-camels of mine." Allah's Apostle replied, "I will accept it with payment." So we prepared the baggage quickly and put some journey food in a leather bag for them. Asma’, Abu Bakr's daughter, cut a piece from her waist belt and tied the mouth of the leather bag with it, and for that reason she was named Dhat-un-Nitaqain (i.e. the owner of two belts)…”

Her Patience in Poverty

It’s related in the Sahih of Bukhari that when Asma’ was married to Zubayr bin ‘Awam, he was a very pious but poor man.

Asma’ narrated: “When Az-Zubayr married me, he had neither land, nor wealth, nor slave, nor anything else like it, except a camel to get water and his horse. I used to graze his horse, provide fodder for it, look after it and ground dates for his camel. Besides this, I grazed the camel, made arrangements for providing it with water and patching up his leather bucket and kneading the flour. I was not very good at baking the bread, so my female neighbors used to bake bread for me and they were sincere women. And I used to carry on my head, the date-stones from the land of az-Zubayr which the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam had endowed him and it was a distance of two miles from Madinah.

One day, as I was carrying the date-stones upon my head, I happened to meet Allah's Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, along with a group of his Companions. He called me and told the camel to sit down so that he could make me ride behind him. I felt shy to go with men and I remembered Az-Zubayr and his ghirah (ghirah is the sense of pride that a man has which causes him to dislike his wives, daughters or sisters from being seen or heard by strangers - it is this ghirah which makes a man protective about his women) and he was a man having the most ghirah. The Messenger sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam understood my shyness and left.

I came to Az-Zubayr and said, 'The Messenger of Allah met me as I was carrying date-stones upon my head and there was with him a group of his Companions. He told the camel to kneel so that I could mount it but I felt shy from him and I remembered your ghirah.' Upon this Az-Zubayr said, 'By Allah, the thought of you carrying date-stones upon your head is more severe a burden to me than you riding with him.'

I led this life of hardship until Abu Bakr sent me a female servant who took upon herself the responsibility of looking after the horse and I felt as if she had emancipated me."

Her Generosity

Asma’ bint Abi Bakr was a woman known to give a lot in charity mashaAllah, even if she had nothing left to keep for herself.

Asma’ narrated: “Once I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have no property except what has been given to me by Az-Zubayr (i.e. her husband). May I give it in charity?" The Prophet said, "Give in charity and do not withhold it; otherwise Allah will withhold it back from you." –Sahih Bukhari

The Birth of Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr

Asma’ and her husband conceived in Mecca and when it came time for them to migrate across the desert to Medina, Asma’s pregnancy was already full term. It was during her travels that she went into labor as they reached the valley of Quba and it was there that she gave birth to her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr, the first Muslim child to be born amongst the muhajireen, mashaAllah.

Asma’ relates her story in Sahih Bukhari: “I migrated to Medina while I was at full term of pregnancy and alighted at Quba where I gave birth to him. Then I brought him to the Prophet and put him in his lap. The Prophet asked for a date, chewed it, and put some of its juice in the child's mouth. So, the first thing that entered the child's stomach was the saliva of Allah's Apostle. Then the Prophet rubbed the child's palate with a date and invoked for Allah's Blessings on him, and he was the first child born amongst the Emigrants in the Islamic Land (i.e. Medina).”

The Great Advice to Her Son

Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr grew to become a great man and a noble companion, known for his fortitude and accomplishments on the battlefield. Towards the end of his life, the Muslims were split over who should take khalifa. Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr refused to accept the caliphate of Bani Umayyah and rose his own army in Mecca to fight against Hajjaj. But the army of Hajjaj surrounded Mecca, refused to allow food to enter, and laid siege to the city with catapults, greatly weakening and eventually defeating ibn Az-Zubayr’s army.

As Hajjaj’s forces entered into Mecca, they gave Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr three choices: (1) be taken into custody and delivered to the khalifa in Damascus; (2) leave Mecca and surrender all the lands that he had overcome such as Egypt, Iraq and Yemen; and (3) try to continue fighting.

At this critical time, Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr decided to seek advice from none other than his mother, Asma’ bint Abu Bakr, who at this time was over 100 years old mashaAllah.

Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr said to his mother: “So the people have left me by myself, even my own son. No one is with me except a handful of people, all I have is an hour of patience and then death and if I were to do what the people want me to do then I will be free.”

And Asma’ replied to her son: “You know better in your own self that if you are upon the truth and you are calling towards the truth, then go forth for people more honorable than you were killed and have been killed. And if you are not upon the truth, then what an evil son you are, you have destroyed yourself and those who are with you. If you say what you say, that you are upon the truth and you will be killed at the hands of others then you will not truly be free, for this is not the statement of someone who is free. How long will you live in this world? Death is more beloved to me than this state you are in, this state of weakness.”

Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr replied to his mother’s honest words: “I am afraid I will be mutilated by the people of Sham, I am afraid they will cut up my body after they have killed me.” And Asma’ replied: “After someone has died, it won’t make any difference what they do to you if you have been killed.”

Ibn Az-Zubayr continued: “I did not come to you except to increase myself in knowledge. Look and pay attention to this day for verily I am a dead man, your son never drank wine, nor was he a fornicator, nor did he wrong any Muslim or Kaafir, nor was he unjust, I am not saying this to you to show off or show how pure I am but rather as an honor to you.”

After their final conversation, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr rode out and was killed by the army of Hajjaj.

Courage in the Face of Injustice

After her son was killed, Al-Hajjaj refused him a proper burial and left his body for public display instead. He refused anyone permission to remove the body and informed Asma’ that if she wanted to have the body taken down, she would have to come in person and request his permission first. Asma’ refused to succumb to such a request.

After some time passed and Asma’ would not come, Hajjaj went to visit her himself and asked: “What do you say about this matter?” 

Asma’ replied: “Verily you have destroyed him, you have ruined his life and with that you have ruined your hereafter.”

After a few days, Hajjaj took down the body of her son and Asma’ retrieved it, washed it, and gathered the people to perform the congregational prayer at his burial.

Her Death

When Asma’ bint Abu Bakr died, she was over 100 years old, and still had a full set of teeth, mashaAllah. May Allah reward her and have mercy on her. 

Umm 'Eesa on Having an Unplanned Cesarean

Umm 'Eesa is a British-Pakistani mother of two, currently living in the USA. 

What was your original birth plan and expectation heading into labor?

I had the inevitable and unavoidable nervousness approaching my first ever labor but I had had a healthy pregnancy mashaAllah, had done some reading and attended classes so I felt calm and ready for D-Day.  My birth plan was pretty straightforward as the general consensus in the UK advocates for natural, patient lead birthing.  I had specified that I wanted minimal interventions and only when absolutely necessary and that my husband and I be consulted in advance so we could be part of the decision making process.

Tell me about the labor.

My labor started spontaneously at home and progressed well at a steady pace.  I was over half way when I arrived at the hospital and the first midwife I met, read over my birth plan with me.  I had stated that I was willing to take gas and air for pain if I felt I needed it, but wanted to avoid any other medicated pain relief.  

This midwife however explained that having a small frame, the gas and air would likely make me feel nauseous and suggested that I try some breathing techniques to work through the contractions instead.  I HATE vomiting and the thought of it happening during labor was enough to convince me of her strategy!  After a bit of coaching, I was comfortably breathing through contractions (even nodding off in between!) and labor was still progressing well.

It was only once I was fully dilated that things got a little complicated.  I had been pushing for a while and as much as the midwives present were encouraging me (the shift had changed so my original midwife savior had left), they weren’t able to tell me why it didn’t ‘feel’ any different.  I was expecting to feel more pain or change or progression.  Anything to indicate that baby was coming out!  But nothing.  At this point, the midwives monitored me and baby and found baby to be a little stressed so decided to call the consultant to check on me.

At what point did your care givers begin advising that you have a c-section and what were their reasons for advocating it?

The consultant performed a manual examination and found that baby’s head was turned to the side.  She tried manual rotation but that failed so she advised trying a ventouse and/or forceps.  She explained that given some time had passed without any progression and that there was no guarantee other procedures would work, they needed to prep me for a c-section ‘just in case.’   

How did it make you feel to have your caregivers advocating for procedures you didn’t want and were not prepared for?

I knew myself that things didn’t feel quite right and that I needed some sort of help.  Given it was my first labor, I didn’t know what other options I could try, or even existed so the consultant’s plan seemed reasonable.  It definitely wasn’t planned by either party and seeing as all the monitoring, examination and discussion happened in quick succession, within an hour, it immediately felt like an emergency and put me in slight panic mode.

What finally swayed you into accepting the c-section?

I didn’t feel I had any choice.  Nothing else was being offered as an option, baby’s heart rate was abnormal and he had passed meconium. Nothing on my part was changing either and the labor just felt a bit ‘stuck’ so I accepted the c-section assuming it was best for my health and the health of the baby.

What risks did your caregivers disclose to be related to the procedure?

I was aware of the risks from my pre-labor reading, which is why I wanted to avoid it in the first place.  At the time, I was presented with a consent form highlighting the risks and what the procedure involved.  I was talked through it but I only vaguely remember this part.  I was in pain, feeling panicked and had probably abandoned my breathing altogether so I just wanted the next necessary thing to happen without delay.  My husband signed on my behalf.

What sort of thoughts and feelings were going through your mind as you were being prepped for surgery?

I was definitely scared and worried for my baby.  My husband is a very cool cucumber mashaAllah but I could see the concern on his face too.  There was a point where I was wheeled into theater and my husband was sent to change into scrubs so he could be present in the room with me.  Those few minutes were terrifying.  The doctors were prepping me with the spinal, a drip, antibiotics etc. and my husband was nowhere in sight.  That loneliness and having to leave my well-being in the hands of strangers was really uncomfortable but it was my opportunity for dua and there was comfort in placing my dependency in the right place, with Allah.

Tell me about the procedure. 

I was awake during the whole procedure.  Slowly losing sensation in my lower body was a very odd feeling.  I was asked to try wriggling my toes and I remember my husband laughing at me because he said on my face, I was reeeally trying, but obviously to no avail.  I for some unknown reason, asked the doctors to lower the screen so I would be able to see the whole procedure.  They lowered it by an inch, which made no difference at all so I didn’t see a thing but in hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t.  The whole thing ended up being emotionally unsettling as it was so I don’t think adding blood and guts would have done me any favors.  I felt physically comfortable as there was no pain at all but I was still worried and anxious to know how the baby was.  That was the worst part.  I was aware of my own health, could see the monitors beeping, was fully aware of my surroundings etc but didn’t have a clue about that little soul we had been waiting to meet.

My husband was present the whole time, standing by my side.  He could see over the screen and likes to remind me that he’s seen every layer of fat and muscle in me haha.  MashaAllah, he was calm and minimally described the procedure.  He told me after the event that it was stressful to watch and that it looked brutal for both my body, and baby’s but Alhamdulillah, I’m glad he had the sense to not show it at that point. 

What was the recovery period like physically, mentally and emotionally?

Recovery was tough.  Alhamdulillah, I have a decent pain threshold but had never had any kind of surgery before, never broken a bone, never needed stitches so I wasn’t prepared for that kind of physical weakness.  Aside from the regular c-section incision, I ended up needing an additional one as my son’s big ol’ head was well and truly stuck.   That incision caused me some pain for a while afterwards but worse than all of that was some muscle damage in my hip, which I believe was caused by my legs being put in stirrups.  All in all, I didn’t feel physically normal again until 9 months later.  I definitely hadn’t expected that and realized just how much I had taken a healthy body for granted.

The mental and emotional recovery was also difficult.  I had gone into pregnancy and labor, hoping for the best outcome and had no indications to suggest anything but the best.  I was looking forward to labor and can still say that I genuinely enjoyed it Alhamdulillah but when it ended in a c-section, I felt somewhat cheated, like I had lost out.  I remember apologizing to my husband for it afterwards, to which he obviously rolled his eyes but I felt like I’d failed at something that my body was designed to just do.

That feeling stuck with me for a long time afterwards and whilst it didn’t impact my general well-being or my ability to be a mother Alhamdulillah, it did take a while to shake it off.  Its only when I realized that major surgery IS major, that I became more comfortable with it.  If you’re going for a drive somewhere special and are unexpectedly involved in an accident, seriously injured and wheeled into theater to save your life (and an additional life inside of you) you would expect that it might plague you for a while afterwards.  That you might feel nervous, sick, anxious getting into a car again, that you might struggle with the physical consequences of your injuries.  An unplanned c-section is no different and I had to realize that by abandoning my own self imposed expectations of how things ‘should’ have gone and accepting the outcome that Allah had written for me before I had even given motherhood a thought.

My midwife crystallized this for me when she said ‘You don’t get pregnant so you can go through labor.  You get pregnant because you want to be a mother to a healthy child.’  Alhamdulillah, that is exactly what Allah gave me.

How was it trying to bond with your newborn while in recovery?

I loved him instantly, cried for him, worried for him and felt an overwhelming desire to protect him.  I had a difficult start because of the surgery, difficulty with breastfeeding and him being jaundiced at birth and needing treatment for it.  It was stressful and exhausting but that little ruh and amanah from Allah trumped everything.  My husband was with me for all the hospital trips and helped with everything from the get go.  We were staying with my parents at the time so my family was also at hand for anything we needed.  Having all the additional support took away all the external pressures and stressors which meant we could just focus on our new baby.

What sort of criticisms, if any, did you receive from people for accepting a c-section and how did you respond to them?

I didn’t receive criticism per se and I didn’t really talk about the labor unless somebody asked.  People knew it wasn’t planned and mostly focused on my recovery.  The thing that did get to me was that when I talked about enjoying labor (up until the c-section part), some sisters told me that I could only say that because I hadn’t actually labored all the way and that the worst part was dealt with for me.  I didn’t have much of a response for that at the time as it just gave me the sinking feeling of failure again but looking back, I should have put people in their place!  I now know for a fact that natural birth is waayyy less painful than a c-section and that they had no right to judge one outcome to be superior to another when Allah is the decision maker.

Looking back on your experience and knowing what you know now, do you think your caregivers choice to perform a c-section was out of a real medical necessity? Why or why not?

Initially, I had no idea.  Then I went through a phase of thinking they had made an unnecessary decision which affected my physical strength for some time afterwards.  Eventually I came to realize that rightly or wrongly, they made the decision they did, when they thought appropriate and there wasn’t much I could do to change it.  I know my baby and I came out of it alive and healthy and in another time, place and under different circumstances, it could have been a lot worse.  I have since focused on better educating myself about best birthing practices and doing everything I can in terms of exercise and  diet and to prevent the same outcome inshaAllah.  I think it is important to aim for best health but in doing so, not lose sight of the fact that whatever you do, however labor ends up, Allah is in control of that so ultimately, it IS best for you.

How did this experience affect your relationship with Allah?

It definitely strengthened it Alhamdulillah.  I have never been that afraid for my health and never felt so in need of His assistance.  It taught me the meaning of tawakkul.  Even after the surgery, providing for, feeding and nourishing my new baby in the physical and spiritual sense, gave me new perspective on what it is to worship Allah and how hard you have to fight to do it right subhanAllah.  Childbirth and motherhood aren’t just blessed experiences, they’re lessons that never end and a huge test which inshaAllah, bring us closer to Him and His jannah.

What advice do you have for mothers facing unplanned cesareans?

You can’t advise much for the unplanned :p  And to be honest, for all the planning you do, it can still turn out to be the opposite.  I would of course advise doing everything you can to prepare for a healthy pregnancy and labor, not just to avoid a c-section but because our bodies and unborn children have a right over us and we’re accountable for both regardless.  

After that, I would advise to make peace with Allah’s decree.  This has to be done in advance, not after the fact.  My feelings of failure and upset at having a c-section for so long after were due to my not understanding this point.  I thought the alternative was ‘better’ and that I’d fallen short of it whereas in reality, I couldn’t have done better than what Allah had already planned.  We all want health and ease but we should be willing to accept that Allah may test us with both and that our response to that should be the outcome we’re truly concerned about.

Muslimah Musings: Healing Broken Hearts

I had a tumultuous start to the day with my four year old. Those of us with young children probably feel every day begins this way but today was one of those 'how on earth am I a mother?!' days. After some bad behavior, raised voices and a reprimanding, I needed a little distance from the culprit. By distance I mean I stood in the kitchen and he lingered in the doorway with tears and spluttery, incoherent sentences. I explained my need for a little time at which point he promptly lost all concept of that thing and reappeared in the doorway after one minute intervals or less, looking more sorry for himself and infinitely more needy.

I eventually realized that my standing like a lemon in the kitchen was not achieving anything for either of us. I definitely wasn't getting any alone time and my son was only asking for a hug at this point, and I have a total inability to refuse my children hugs.

So I walked to him with my arms out, and he jumped straight into them, wrapping his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist in that child-chimp way. He put his head down on my shoulder and the whimpers gave way to those little sharp inhales of breath until they subsided and he sighed a long, slow sigh. His mood had mellowed in a moment and there was that renewed sense of comfort but with it, came a wave of panic in my head... Was that moment of subdued quiet the sound of his heart mending... Or breaking?!

Whenever I’ve read an article about broken hearts, its usually in reference to marriage, divorce, death, separation and loss and the owners of these heart are friends, relatives, or our own selves. No doubt this a real, valid topic but alhamdulillah I have a beautiful marriage, and have never really experienced loss of any significant kind so I fall into the blissfully ignorant category of people who have never truly had a heart that needs healing. But this morning, it dawned on me, what if I’m the one breaking hearts?  And worse still, what if I’m doing it on a daily basis?

For a child to need, search and request comfort, he was clearly in discomfort to begin with.  As busy mothers juggling a hundred things at once, a quick hug, a few kind, rushed words is about all we manage before sending them on their way again.  If however, we bring an adult to tears, its a big deal.  We’ll apologize, rationalize, talk about it, probably even post on Facebook about it. Why then do we give such fleeting attention to the tender little hearts that place their entire world in our hands?   

I don’t mean to suggest that a single harsh word or those inevitable parenting mistakes will scar a child for life and create a broken adult.  We've all experienced their adept resilience against our every request and plea (getting in the car, leaving a store, bath time, mealtime, anytime) so we know too well they’re made of the tough stuff!  They may not be emotionally mature and their world experience may be limited but who's to say their hearts don’t need and are entitled to the same care and attention?

There are some scenarios that are almost synonymous with a broken heart… Neglect, emotional distance, being wronged, mistrust, abuse…  I know I am guilty of every one of these when it comes to my children - albeit on smaller scale - but when you’re dealing with smaller hearts, what’s the difference?  Being too busy to play, failing to keep a promise, shouting or misplacing anger are all those ‘small,’ accidental things that we do day in, day out and theres no denying there must be an impact on those fragile hearts.

The topic of ‘the heart’ in Islam is an intricate one.  For starters, its status is superior to our common understanding of it.  Its not the sort of thing that should be relegated to agony aunts, Oprah and self help books.  I wouldn’t trust a stranger with my purse, so why give them my heart?

Allah swt refers to the heart with three different words in the Quran (you gotta love Arabic), ‘Qalb,’ ‘Fu’aad’ and ‘Sadr’ and each carries its own nuanced description of the different characters of the heart;  It’s changing nature, it’s susceptibility to become engrossed by emotion and the ‘chest’ that holds secrets.  Given its complicated nature, its almost shocking that we treat it only as the thing that can love or hate.  Its no wonder people struggle to mend that the precious part of themselves.

So how to mend the broken hearts, whether they be our own or those of our children?  The obvious course of action is dua and entrusting Allah swt with all affairs, having firm belief that He (swt) will only give us the khayr.  As with anything broken however, the mending process takes some physical action on our part and this becomes more true when dealing with children.

My daughter looks just like me, has the same happy face, cross face, sad face, same hair, same dimple, same everything.  My son has my husband’s mannerisms, our sense of humour and becomes frustrated by the same things as us.  In short, they are slowly becoming us and as shocking and scary as that is, it also carries it’s blessing.

After my morning panic of whether I’m the cause of multiple broken hearts, I realised that the ‘fix’ is not so impossible.  If my children look, speak, laugh and think like me, there is hope that they will have a heart like me.  Not that I’m claiming to have a perfect heart, far from it, but in trying to perfect my heart, inshaAllah I can mend theirs.

Given that children learn from imitation and direct experience, we have to ensure our physical actions that show the condition of our heart, are in accordance with Islam.  We must strive to make the changing nature of our hearts, turn only to Allah, to not allow ourselves to become engrossed by emotion and anger, to protect our chests from those external whispers.

My action started with an apology, recognition of my wrongdoing and my accountability before Allah.  I didn’t force an apology back and my still whimpering four year old gave little acknowledgment of the whole affair, aside from a few nods but I felt accomplished.  I had straightened out my own heart, corrected the person I see him becoming and renewed my intentions to mend, guide and nurture his heart through focussing more on my own.

Beautiful Reminders: The Best of You

In a Sahih Hadith related by Tirmidhi, The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said: 

"The best of you are those who are best to their families. And I am the best of you to my family." 

Muslimah Musings: Remembering Our Other Children

Umm 'Eesa is a Muslim mother of two, plus one bump, currently living in the USA. She loves poetry.

Having children comes with its fair share of mess… Spit up, spills, stained clothes, food in hair, crushed Cheerios, scribbles on walls… the list is endless. Now, I deal fairly well with poop, diapers, snotty noses, curious yellow puddles in the potty training phase but my parenting peeve and mess-nemesis is vomit. It looks, smells and just is, gross. I always wonder why that mess can’t find a more conventional way to exit the body. The painful, unpredictable, expansive, explosive nature of it all is just too much for my sensibilities.

My husband had a bout of food poisoning a few months back and whilst as a grown man, he can take care of himself, I psyched myself up to do the wifely, nursely deed of cleaning up after him. I made a mental list of required apparatus: Rubber gloves, paper towels, Lysol wipes, bleach, hijab to serve as gas mask, air freshener. All this for a contained mess. Alhamdulillah, I was spared the ghastly task as my husband took care of everything himself, saying he wouldn't expect anyone else to deal with it. I considered that a huge mercy from Allah.

A few weeks ago, I was tested with the same predicament, except this time, my son was sick. My son who up until this point, hadn't vomited once since milk spit up as a baby, mashaAllah. He woke up feeling very thirsty and immediately after gulping down a cup of water, threw it straight back up. Twice?! I dealt with it with minimal effort. It was just water you see. He insisted he felt better and was hungry for breakfast and so that part of a mother t? and I met again, ten minutes later.

My dear boy had the foresight to jump off the couch, away from the rug and onto the wooden floor, where he then barfed to his stomach’s content. The mess spread far and wide in smelly, curdled, congealed puddles and splatters. I held my son, explained that I needed to grab things to tidy up and then quickly took care of business.

It wasn't exactly pleasant but in that moment, my parenting peeve vanished and all I could think of was my poor, pale faced, suddenly frail looking baby. All I wanted to do was alleviate his discomfort and lift his spirits.

He had managed to place himself smack bang in the middle of the aforementioned puddles so needed a thorough clean and change of clothes. He was too feverish for a bath so we soaped and toweled only what was necessary. I filled a tub with warm water and soap and had him stand in it so we could clean his feet. By this point, he was feeling a little more settled, cleaner and warmer and subsequently, I felt better. As I washed his feet, he asked me not to rub a small cut he had on his toe (it was hardly a cut even, more like an only-just visible line on his skin). I obliged and carefully avoided this ‘injury,’ out of mercy and empathy for his situation. I watched little soap bubbles collect around his toes as he then requested that I don’t tickle his feet too much :)

In that same moment of relief and comfort, my heart plummeted. The realization of how incredibly easy it had been to take away my child’s unhappiness filled me with guilt. I cleaned a floor with disinfecting cleaning products, I washed my son’s feet in warm water that ran from a tap, I dressed him in clean clothes and offered him words of comfort without any other care in the world, as if this morning of sickness were the only time of worry we had ever had to deal with.

I thought of the mothers of this ummah who are faced with far, far worse situations and can do little for their children. Those faced with poverty, war, oppression, illness. Not too long before this day, I had watched a video interview with some children in Syria. There was one boy who looked straight into the camera, eyes filled with tears, hands raised, asking ‘Why?! Why is he doing this to us?!’ And then he ran out of the room, unable to face the camera anymore. Another child was asked what food he missed and he replied, cucumbers. Not candy, not cake, not anything exotic. Just cucumbers. And earlier that week, I had thrown out a cucumber that had gone bad in my fridge, aothoobillah. My heart genuinely feels sad whenever I think of that little child’s face and his hurt, suffering and longing for something I discarded without a second thought.

As I cuddled up with my son on his beanbag, with dry snacks and unlimited TV at his disposal, I made dua for his good health, as any mother would but I also found myself making equal, if not more dua for my other children. Our other children. The beloved children of this beloved ummah.

We know we’re all supposed to care and most of the population who were raised with some sense of morality, will care. We make dua for the ‘less fortunate,’ ‘the ummah,’ and ‘the oppressed,’ but what are those words without the same love and mercy we show to our blood relatives?

Our Rasool, saw, said ‘The similitude of believers in regard to mutual love, affection, fellow-feeling is that of one body; when any limb of it aches, the whole body aches because of sleeplessness and fever.’ [Sahih Muslim]

Its all too easy to find ourselves (albeit unwittingly) living in an ignorant bliss and allowing life’s little bumps and hurdles to consume our concerns. The truth is, the ummah the world over is facing bumps and hurdles every single day and that should concern us as much as our children do. Some people prefer not to watch the news because its too depressing or makes them feel sad for the rest of the day. I for one, need those images and horror stories because I’m all too aware how easily I can become distracted and numbed to reality. I need to feel depressed and sad for a day because I want to fulfill that hadith. I want my heart and mind to ache for my brothers and sisters so that I’m lead to try and do something about it.

That moment of caring for my sick boy will forever be tainted with the thoughts of all those children who’s tears need wiping, who’s cries need soothing and who’s hearts need healing. I for one, hope that my every dua is tainted with those thoughts.

Beautiful Reminders: Each of You is a Shepherd

In an authentic hadith narrated in Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said:  

"Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd of his people and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock; a servant is the shepherd of his master's wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock." 

Umm Anonymous on Living With Multiple Sclerosis, Part 3

Umm Anonymous is a Muslim mother of two. In 2012 she was diagnosed with Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis and is now in remission. To read the first part of this interview, click here. To read the second part of this interview, click here. 

At the end of the day, only Allah knows. But right now, with what you know about yourself and with what you know about MS, what does the rest of your life with this disease look like?

I don’t know. 

I don’t believe my last exacerbation left any permanent damage because my last EEG didn't show any. But I have relapsing-remitting Multiple Sclerosis so I’ll have an exacerbation and then go into remission and then have a relapse and then go into remission and have another relapse. 

And even between relapses there are other symptoms. For me, one of the symptoms is itchiness. If the shower is too warm, when I get out my whole body will itch like if I had been stung by a bee but since its under my skin I can’t scratch it or soothe it so I just have to let it run its course.  I have to shower in cold water now, I can’t wash the dishes with hot water because it will aggravate my hands.

I’m on medication, so now I take a daily injection. I have charts that show where not to inject my body because I already injected myself there last week. Every day I have to inject myself in a different part of the body because when the medication goes in, it burns. So if you keep injecting in the same place, the medication can burn the fat off of that area and you’ll have a big dent in your body. Sometimes I’ll mark Xs and circles all over my body so I’ll know where or where not to inject on a particular day. 

It’s a life of adjustment. And alhamdulilah the adjustments that I've had to make haven’t been huge. Some people have to put ramps in their house and make it wheelchair accessible. Fortunately I've not had to do that. Alhamdulilah now (in remission) I’m able to do everything that I used to do, I just can’t do as much of it. 

And I don’t know if the disease will become degenerative; that’s unpredictable. I feel fine today but I could have another exacerbation tomorrow. I don’t know when it will come, if it will come, if it does come how long it’s going to last, and if it lasts for a long period or a short period if it will leave permanent damage. You just don’t know. 

Is that something that you worry about?

No, because I have to enjoy the time that I have. 

If I were to worry about the possibility that I might have another really severely disabling experience, I wouldn't be able to enjoy my life. I wouldn't even be able to function nominally. So I don’t give it a whole lot of thought. I’m going back to school and I've made dua asking Allah to grant me health so that I can get through school. So I can’t say that I worry about it but I do make dua that Allah preserves my health and that Allah gives me the strength to deal with whatever it is that He’s going to give me. 

Has this experience changed your outlook on parenting?

One thing’s for sure: you can only do so much. 

Our culture in the United States, even the expectation amongst Muslims, is that in order to be a real woman you have to be nearly perfect. Perfect as a mother, as a wife, people expect such perfection in the fulfillment of our roles that unfortunately we fail to see the humanity in our relationships. So when we’re tired or when we have a headache or when we barely got any sleep or when we have cramps or when we have a toothache, we’re still hard on ourselves and we don’t allow ourselves to relax. We don’t allow ourselves to just say, “You know what? Don’t anybody talk to me right now because I’m not in a good mood. I'm in pain and I need a break.”

But to go back to your question, yes. Now that I have a chronic disease that poses a number of limitations, I have to recognize when I need to stop. So if I’m planning something or if someone asks to come over or asks me to do something for them, now I write everything down and look at my calendar and ask realistically if I’m going to have the energy to carry it out. If not, then my answer is going to be no. Or I’m going to have to postpone it or do some shifting.

Even when it comes to my kids, I have to know when its necessary to say no and they have to learn that there are boundaries and that mommy is not going to be able to do everything for you and nor should they expect that.

With MS, most patients look fine but the symptoms can be triggered by almost anything. For me, dehydration triggers symptoms, heat triggers symptoms, too much activity in one day or being in a room that’s really crowded and loud will just set my nerves off. I might feel faint, I might feel weak, or itchy or dizzy or that the room is spinning. There’s really no telling what I’m going to feel but I know what my triggers are so I try to avoid them as best I can.  

With my kids I have to communicate what I can and can’t do, and not just for them but for everybody.

How has this experience affected your outlook on life in general?

I think this experience really taught me the meaning of the term submission. 

The idea that you just have to allow yourself to deal with what it is that Allah has decreed for you. I can’t do a whole lot to change Allah’s decree but how I respond to what Allah has decreed is up to me. I can sit there and sob and be angry and be ungrateful and curse Allah or make statements like “I didn't deserve this” or even, aootho billah, charge Allah with being unfair. Or I can say okay this is what Allah gave me but He's also given me many other things that bring me joy, and many other things that bring me good opportunities to earn favor with Him. And this is possibly one of those opportunities.

One thing I spent a lot of time reflecting on, particularly when I was in the hospital, was that this could be an expiation for me, and I need that. This could be a way of raising me in rank, and I need that too. This could be a punishment, and that would be one less punishment that I have to deal with in the grave or on the day of judgment or at the end of my life. So no matter what this is, this is a positive thing.

And from that I came to the conclusion, not that it’s a unique conclusion I came up with like I’m Confucius or anything, but I realized that even in sickness there’s a blessing. Even in the loss of a job or the loss of a person that you love or a relationship or whatever, there’s a blessing in that. You have to be open-minded to it and pray for guidance. 

Through this whole experience, I pray for patience because, especially since having children, I realized that my patience level isn't where it ought to be. But more than anything, aside from praying for forgiveness, I pray for guidance so that I can recognize things as they are, not as I want them to be or as people are telling me that they are. I want to be able to recognize things as they are so that I know what I need to do and so I can do the right thing. 

I want this experience to be on my scale of good deeds. So that Allah can't say, “Well, when I tested you with health, you squandered it and when I tested you with sickness, you became kafr or you became arrogant or you became ungrateful.”

In a lot of ways, getting so severely sick as a wake-up call for me to recognize that I've been Muslim for so many years and there are so many things that I could have accomplished for my deen had I been focused. There was one period in my time of being Muslim where I really used my time efficiently and then there were other periods where time would fly by without me really growing as a Muslim. And anything that doesn't grow atrophies. I feel like when there isn't spiritual growth and you go through a period of stagnation, its not just stagnation; its regression because whatever spiritual conditioning you've been built up in your periods of growth, you’re not maintaining it and eventually you lose it. So this experience gave me the opportunity to really value my time and look at what I could be doing better.  

How has this experience affected your relationship with your husband?

I was amazed at how well he managed everything, especially in the weeks when I was the sickest prior to being admitted to the hospital. 

A couple of times I saw him lose his patience with the kids or with his parents or with the fact that the dishes were piled high but generally, and may Allah reward him, he was really solid. It's not that I expected him to not be reliable but I was just so impressed with how in tune he was with me and my needs and with the children and their needs. I was really impressed by his ability to sacrifice. 

The stereotype is that men really aren't that aware of things and they just kind of do things unconsciously and without consideration to other people but it wasn't like that with him in any way. So naturally, I grew in my love and respect for him. We've been married 9 years and there was a precipitous jump in my affection for him. 

When I was in the hospital I was making a lot of istighfar in how I fulfill my roles as a wife, as a mother, as an employee, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law, as a sister, as a friend, and so asking Allah to forgive me for any deficiencies in the fulfillment of my roles and asking Allah to guide me in being better in the roles that I have. I think now I’m more likely to question my role in a relationship, regardless of who its with. I’m more likely to ask myself now what have I done to help or hurt the relationship. I know the question is specific to my husband but one thing I realized in the hospital was that these lessons really apply to all aspects of my life.

One of the duas I made while I was in the hospital was to ask Allah to guide me towards being a better wife. I wondered if I would have been towards my husband the way that he was towards me when I was sick. You don’t know what you’re willing to do or what you’re capable of doing until you’re in a situation. Everybody talks about, “oh well if it were me, I would blah blah blah,” but you really don’t know. You don’t know what you can expect from yourself and you don’t know what you can expect from the people around you.

It’s like with sins. Some people say, “Oh, I know I have iman so I can be around this certain thing and I know that it won’t affect me.” But you don’t know. You don’t know how much iman you have or how you’ll be affected by something. The fact that you’re even saying that kind of calls your iman into question, that you think so highly of yourself. You don’t know how you’re going to respond to a severe sickness or a death in the family or a stillborn baby or any other calamity. You might have it all planned out in your head but you really don’t know until it actually happens.

It all goes back to asking for guidance. Having been guided to the deen of Islam is one thing, but keeping me upon that guidance that I committed to when I took my shahada is something different. 

What would you have to say to another Muslim mom who encounters MS, either in herself or a close relative or in one of her own children? What advice would you want to share with her?

I would probably tell her the same thing the nurse that I met in the hospital told me. You can choose to be really upset about this or you can choose to focus on getting better and focus on benefiting from the time you've got while you’re here. 

Things are based upon perception. My first birth, I was scared and felt vulnerable and felt like I couldn't trust my body or my environment; I just didn't feel secure. The second time around, I birthed at home and I went into it with confidence, I went into it feeling a lot more relaxed. I was excited but I was relaxed so I wasn't as anxious and I definitely wasn't as fearful. So when  the contractions came, I didn't perceive them as disastrous or as “oh my god, this thing is gonna break me.” My attitude towards each contraction was different than what it would have been in my first birth. So my perception of the pain was significantly lessened than the first birth.

Just recently, I was with a sister, who was another homebirth mom, and we were talking to another sister who didn't have children and she said, “you know, I don’t mind the whole mothering thing, but it’s the labor that scares me.” And the other homebirth mom and I in unison said, “the labor is the easy part.” And it’s because the fear was gone.

So when you’re fearful about a disease like MS, or any disease for that matter, then your perception of what you’re going through is going to be heightened. So the bad is going to feel all the more bad, so bad that you’re probably going to miss any good that there is in it. You have to constantly check your perception and ask yourself, “do I really feel this way or is Shaytan trying to make me feel ungrateful?” And that’s his game: Calling things by another name.  When he went to Adam and Hawaa, he said “this is the tree of life.” He didn't say, “This is the forbidden tree that Allah said don’t go to.” That’s how he gets us to respond in a certain way, by calling things outside of the reality that’s there. 

So yeah, you have sickness, but there’s a reality to that sickness that it’s probably not as bad as you think. 

How has this experience brought you closer to Allah?

I used to make a lot of dua prior to getting sick but I think I know more of what to ask for now. 

Now I’m making dua more frequently and I’m making more specific duas. I’m making dua for other people more than I used to also because in having needs of your own, it’s easier to recognize others’ needs as well.

And there are different acts of worship that I’m trying to do consistently now. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “The deeds most loved by Allah are the ones done consistently, even if they’re small (Bukhari and Muslim).” So you know, instead of sitting down for two and a half hours to do tasbih once, sit for five minutes here and five minutes there and do it consistently. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

And these things aren't easy. They take effort. Let’s say you've memorized the morning adkhar. Just because you know it, doesn't mean that you’re going to do it. And even if you do it, you might not do it with meaning, your mind not be present. So you have to really question yourself and put in the effort because it’s not easy.  

This whole process has really been about learning to submit. Because these things are not in our hands. You plan to go to school, you plan to get married, you plan to have a bunch of kids, and you plan for their life to be this way or that way. Most of the time none of these things are as you plan them and so you have to submit and you have to adapt and you have to adjust and you still have to keep your faith intact.